my body

ack. just typing the title of this posting makes me uncomfortable.

Read a good post on Army of Angels: http://www.armyofangels.net/2008/12/get-allies-in-your-healing.html

It left me feeling vaguely unsettled and thinking, Do I haaaaaaaaave to? I don't have to do anything, but I'm thinking owning and taking care of my body is going to be a part of my healing.

blech.

I'm fairly disconnected from my body. I have pains most of the time and I pretty much just note it and move along.

How do I honor my body?
What does that mean?
I don't really want to know.
I guess.
Shouldn't I want to know? (who's asking that?)
I guess I do.
Ack.

I also watched the Blip video of Angela and friends doing "All the Single Ladies":
http://blip.tv/file/1606846 (danny, kimleigh, and angela)

I cannot ever imagine doing that.
Kimleigh seems to know her body. She seems in tune with it.

What does it mean to be aware of your body?
And, once you're aware, what the heck are you supposed to do with it?!??

oy

Army of Angels Conference Information!

http://www.eventbrite.com/event/223331992/emailinvite/?invite=OTMxNTIvZGlqb2U4MTY5OEBzd3ZhLm5ldC8x%0A

Here is the Agenda:

March 13, 20096:15pm Welcome Dinner – Showing of Video, Transition to Survivor
7:00pm Introductions of Angels/Activity
7:45pm “Angela Shelton Found Me”

Play written by Angela Shelton, directed by Dorothy Lemault, performed by “Angels”
*Discussion of play with snacks and refreshments to follow

March 14, 2009
9:00am-10:30am Angela Rose - Organizing Your Community - Grassroots Action to Shatter The Silence of Sexual Violence and building the national movement

Founder & Executive Director of PAVE: Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment, Angela Rose is a national leader in the movement to shatter the silence of sexual violence. After over a decade of battling the myths and ongoing incidents of sexual assault, Angela has become a valued educator in survivor empowerment and violence prevention. Through PAVE, Angela has trained fraternities and sororities in sexual assault prevention, produced a documentary entitled “Transition to Survivor,” and founded Men Opposing Sexual Assault, a group that highlights the importance of men in the anti-sexual assault movement. She staged a national protest regarding the silencing of sexual assault victims in court that was covered on CNN and the Today Show.

10:30am – 10:45am Break

10:45am – 12:00pm Meagan Poole *TBA
Meghan is a student at Murray State University and believes that everyone has the power to make a difference, and enjoys working alongside several amazing local and national organizations such as Security on Campus, Merryman House Domestic Crisis Center, and the Purchase Area Sexual Assault Center.

12:00pm – 1:00pm Catered Lunch

1:00pm – 2:15pm Wendy Murphy - Legal Issues/Sexual Assault/Advocacy
An ex-prosecutor who specialized in child abuse and sex crimes cases. The first lawyer in the country to run a program to provide free legal services to crime victims, Wendy has been fighting for victims' rights for twenty years. As an adjunct professor, she also manages the Sexual Violence Legal News and Judicial Language projects at her law school and consults with crime victims across the country to help them achieve justice. Wendy has worked as a legal analyst for CBS News, CNN, Fox News and MSNBC. She appears regularly on cable and network news programs to provide commentary on legal news stories. And Justice For Some is her first book.

2:15pm – 2:30pm Break

2:30pm – 4:15pm Healing/Inspiration Therapy *TBA

4:15pm - 4:30pm Break

4:30pm – 5:15pm Diann Diaz - Raising the Volume - Making it Loud and Clear!
In this presentation, Diann will prepare Team Leaders with the skills and knowledge of building awareness in each state. As we all know, there can never be enough education. If you are not a Team Leader, now is the time to sign up or join a team! Diann is known for her emergency advocacy in the hospitals and police stations for the victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. Diann is also called upon to speak at local colleges and universities regarding sexual assault. You will also find her at conferences across the state of Virginia speaking on topics such as, “Domestic Abuse Victims – Why Do they Stay” and “Protect and Serve…What it Can Also Mean”. Diann Diaz is a National Ambassador FoRe! Ending Domestic-Sexual abuse, survivor of childhood sexual assault, advocate for victims, educator in the community on violence prevention, and an upcoming author.

5:15 – 6:00 Catered Dinner

6:00 – 7:30 Kimleigh Smith - T.O.T.A.L.L.Y Performance & Discussion
kimleigh inspires audiences through her hilarious and honest story to embrace their inner superheroes and find the strength to move forward no matter what. Kimleigh beautifully portrays herself as a 17-year-old innocent virgin rushing back from cheerleading for the winning football team. She is convinced that she is going to get the quarterback as her boyfriend only to be gang raped by him and two of his friends. Kimleigh, like many rape survivors, suppresses the rage and heartbreak from the attack and goes back to “life as usual” only to be faced with her legs and genitals becoming paralyzed for years! Watch Kimleigh perform her powerful one hour theater piece, taking the audience through a journey that is totally uplifting, totally heartbreaking, and totally powerful. T.O.T.A.L.L.Y!

7:30 – 7:45 Break

7:45 – 9:15 Angela Shelton - Removing the Sword of Trauma
In this powerful presentation, Angela shares her concept of trauma being similar to being pierced with a sword. She takes you through the process of acknowledging it, removing it, and then using the sword in your life as a warrior instead of a victim.

Releasing my Joy

When I was 17, I was at a party at a friend's house. I was sitting on the piano bench next to someone playing and we were singing our hearts out ... Christmas songs. I loved to sing. I felt alive when I sang. For me, singing was from inside me and it was one of the few times I let my inside come out. I adored singing.

(side note... um I can't sing. tone deaf. tin ear. sinus/ear issues, so really, honestly, it was pretty bad)

I heard a comment to my left and looked up and one girl (she was blonde w/blue eyes... I remember the expression of disgust in her eyes) said "Why are you singing? It's horrible." (people can be so cruel) I kept moving my mouth, but no longer singing.

That was the last time I sang for joy. I'm 43 now.

My partner bought a karaoke machine. I find I can no longer sing. I am so repressed in it, I still cannot sing out loud... even sing in the privacy of my home. I hear that girl's voice and I see her eyes. I guess flashbacks come in many forms.

My partner loves to sing... gets so much pleasure out of it. Disappointed that I don't sing with her. (out! out! damn blue-eyed, blonde hairie meanie poo-poo head! be gone!)

It's Christmastime again. I want to sing carols. I want to sing about the birth, candy, grandma and the reindeers and hippopotomuses.

WAIT! I WANT to sing. Even if it's bad. I WANT to sing again. Not being able to sing doesn't take away the joy... the inside coming out. I have that power to let it out, to feel the joy again.

I'm an angel in this army against abuse. Angels sing!

Searching for my Joy this month:
I AM GOING TO SING. OUT LOUD. TO KARAOKE (um in the privacy of my home lol).
I AM GOING TO ENJOY MY PARTNER AND MYSELF.
I WANT MY INSIDE TO BE OUT.
THIS IS HOW I AM GOING TO HEAL.

INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT

inside

out

www.armyofangels.net

glimpsing the light again

ok, i see the light again
far away
but i see it

sigh

i'm glad

this is a local Atlanta station's attempt at something big for our military people. if you think it's cool, pass it around.

The Bert Show's Big Thank You
Last year, Bert Show listeners collected over 350,000 handwritten thank you letters that were sent to every serviceman and servicewoman stationed outside the United States. This year we're going even bigger. The goal of The Bert Show's Big Thank You 2008 is to collect 1,051,200 unique messages by Thanksgiving Day! Each message will be posted on this site, and when we reach our goal, we will have enough messages to display a new flashing one on this site every thirty seconds ... for one entire year! Want to participate? Click on the link below...

www.bigthankyouproject.com

fighting the darkness

i'm struggling to break free of what happened. i realized yesterday that i'm depressed. recognizing is good though, so i can take steps to take care of me and do things that are affirming and yellow (rosie fans will understand this).

i see the promise with barak
i see the hate with prop 8
i see the anger with prop 8
i see people coming together to protest

i see hope
i see despair

i'm focusing on the despair
common survivor junk for me

just waiting on the day when my first reaction is to see the hope



on a side note, is it racist of me to want to just walk up to african americans and hug them?

Humor Loss or Heightened Awareness of Women's Issues

.....

NOTE: The following may be a trigger. Just a loving warning.



I just returned from a Vegas trip. Had fun, except for one thing:

I was at a "dueling piano" bar. Two guys took requests for money and played vegas versions of popular songs while the audience sang along. Are you asking how come that wasn't fun?

At one point they started doing guys against gals songs. Gals tipped $60 (collectively) and piano guy #1 sang excerpts from Dancing Queen, I will survive, etc. Ya know, chick songs. Gals sang and cheered, guys moaned and groaned. Still sounds fun, eh?

Piano guy #2 gets guys to donate $75. Starts off with joke: "Woman with two black eyes asked why her man hit her. Why? Because she didn't hear him after the first one." This was followed by three jokes 1) smacking around your woman to put her in her place; 2) what is a woman good for --insert nasty open leg comment--; and 3) stupid *itches need a punch to keep them in their place.

These were inserted between some pretty nasty bawdy rewords of common songs.

(author note: what i've put in here is in no way as bad as it got. some i can remember, some i can't, some i refuse to type and put into existence again).

Now I know I was in Vegas, and bawdy and sexual is the norm, however, while the nasty songs were being sung and the violent jokes were being thrown out there, the men were catcalling and hooting and clapping while the women got quieter and quieter. I looked around and the women were tense and bordering on angry, i think. Same for me. I kept waiting for it to stop.

The more nastier the comments and songs got, the louder all the men got (not all, but at least 90%). Women starting leaving.

Piano guy #1 picked up on the change in the bar, and he tried half-heartedly to bring the fun back. (he didn't try hard enough)

I argued with myself, have I lost my sense of humor? how bad could this get? should i stand up and say something?

hell, no! not with 90% of the men in the room hollering and laughing. All i kept thinking of was the scene from the Jodie Foster movie , The Accused.

We, along with others, got up and walked out.

Now, I was arguing with myself about sense of humor? Who am I kidding? Was not funny. Why was I arguing about how offensive this was. It was horrible, misoginystic (spelling?) and scary.

I kind of put it out of my mind for the rest of the evening, but was uneasy all night. Went to bed. Had nightmares. Kept waking up hearing men laughing and hollering in the that tone (you know what I mean!). Kept having flashes of #2 and men in the audience and how their faces looked. oh god, it was scary.

Woke up crying. I don't want to minimize anything about rape, but I felt emotionally raped. And I just sat there. I know it's my safety first. I know this. And i am angry at myself for not saying anything. I did say in my head that if he says one thing about rape, I am walking right up to him and slapping him. Let me tell you , I WAS READY TO AND I WOULD HAVE.

wow

I'm almost in tears now.

I guess someone above was taking care of me because #2 just kept doing violence against women jokes and did cross that lost red line (i am just a tad disappointed...is that wrong?)

I still cannot get it out of my head. I'm writing a letter or calling Harrah's. I haven't decided which. I am still trying to get this figured out in my head. I think emotional rape is pretty up there with physical rape (that hasn't happened to me, but I wonder). I guess physical rape is both: emotional and physical, so it's the worst.

Why am I trying to make mine seem less!!??! Why am I trying to explain it away???? Is this what we do...we women? Minimize? NO MORE! NO MORE! NO MORE! What happened happened. It is was it is. IT TOTALLY SUCKED AND I AM MAD AS HELL ABOUT IT!

If this means I have no sense of humor left about women jokes, then so be it.

I need a freakin bat and a chair! (be right back)

a fist and a pillow is good too! ;0)

Questions:
how many women in that bar had my reaction?
how many women knew it was wrong and didn't think anything of it?
how many women were scared?
how many women knew something felt wrong, but couldn't identify it?
how many women were angry?
how many women did nothing, said nothing, pushed it deep down?
how many women rationalized the behavior by saying "well, i'm in vegas?"

how long are we going to sit back and say nothing, do nothing, continue to be beaten down emotionally?

NO LONGER! NOT ME! DONE DONE DONE!

--stream of consciousness writing--

i am soooo angry right now. just pissed off. i can feel it in my chest. i thought this blogging would help get it out. well i guess it did. it's not deep down. it's definitely clearer. i wanted to punch every man that laughed. hard. so the violence i heard made me want to be violent. great. sigh. i don't know what to do with this. it's all twisted up and black and red and hurts.

madmadmad angerangeranger rageragerage fearfearfear painpainpain redredred violentcolorsswirlingroundandround laughingmalevoicesinmyhead hatehatehate hatefulelaughtercloggingmymemories notfairnotfairnot innerchildcrying hugherhugerhugher holdtight sayingiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou ilovemeilovemeiloveme breathingslowerfeelingarelease angela angels survivors womenstandingup bethechangeiwanttosee lovelovelove squish

Litany of Survival

In a Litany of Survival, Audre Lorde writes,

“When we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak remembering we were never meant to survive.”

BREAK YOUR SILENCE!
You survived! Think about it! Honor it!

Acknowledge your power!

I love you

Violence Against Women of Color

http://documentthesilence.wordpress.com/2008/10/17/be-bold-be-red-goes-viral-loco-visual/

want to see what evil looks like...
http://www.jumpcut.com/view?id=E44BFBCE67BF11DC9030000423CF037A
megan williams' attackers...scum...

Change begins with me

So my safe girls organization needs journals for the camp. Each girl gets one and they can take it home. So we found journals at home that were in great condition, unused (some even still in shrinkwrap), and I thought I can donate these! Then thought, I will send to my favorite ladies at work and just see.

Wow.

The response was better than I expected. Everyone thinks this is a wonderful thing. They are glad I am volunteering. This is such a good cause. They want to help.

So journals are on the way!

Safe girls is also in the beggining planning stages for Break the Silence month in April. I've asked if we can share with Report It Campaign. We'll see!

So I see how change happens.

Someone spoke.
I listened.
I spoke.
Others listened.
Those others spoke.
More others listened.

Voila! Grass roots.....

Cool.

therapy, a realization, and a celebration

therapy...

• Was doing NET in therapy the other day (I'm working on my food issues.. yech!).
• While trying to affirm that I am okay with eating to provide physical nourishment, I had a flashback.
• Sometimes (angela said this in her book) i hate therapy.

a realization...

• This was a tough one. I couldn't remember one of the abuser's names.
• One of them was not who I thought it was. (was just a different family member).
• This totally freaked me out. How could I not remember who it was and not knowing was terrifying and I mean terrifying. Had a panic attack. I am not sure why I thought I should've (there's that word again) known, but I did. Even writing this five days later, I remember the feeling of not knowing.

a realization...

• There was a lot more abuse than I thought.
• I remembered something I had forgotten for years. I had never told anyone about it (even my therapist after 4 years of therapy) and i don't think i ever talked in my head to myself about it. I cannot remember everything that happened in "the shed", but I remember it was bad and wrong (ack!).
• I can talk about it, but that's not what this entry is for. (okay, i just re-read this bulletpoint. how cool is this!?? casually, she says: i can talk about... hmm FABULOUS!)

a realization...

• even remembering more, that my abuse was the quiet, hush, don't tell, no pain, kind of abuse.
• I used to think this made my abuse not too bad. OY! I know better now.
• I had been abused most of my pre-teen life. whoa.
• i had never put anything together before this moment. from kindgarten through at least fifth grade, incident after incident. Some I had never identified as abuse at all.
• Now I know better.

a realization...

• Young me made it through all this. Now I've said before yeah, I'm strong, I was strong, I survived, but DAMN!
• My little kid was a FREAKIN A STRONG LITTLE CUSS! She still is. I've said it but never really truly recognized the greatness of it. Oh my gosh.
• And out of it, yes we have some issues, but by golly we (ME!) are strong and can laugh and love and care and be compassionate towards others.
• The capacity to still love is there. wow. i hope i remember to love every day.

a celebration...

• I WON I WON I WON !
• YAY FOR MY LITTLE KID. YAY FOR ME! I did it. We did it.
• They may have had my body for awhile, but i always had me.
• I protected me like a lioness protecting her cubs.
• I used whatever means i had so they couldn't get to "me".
• I never caved. they may have stormed the castle doors and there are dents and scratches, but the doors remained INTACT.
• hahahahahahhhahahahahahahaha **joyful laughter**

a celebration...

• i love you little child!
• thank you for getting through what you did.
• thank you for knowing to bar the doors.
• thank you for keeping a part of us behind those doors.
• thank you for realizing, and trusting, we can open those doors now.
• you are the strongest person i've ever known.
• i am so proud of you.
• i am here and ready to take care of you this time. take my hand and let's go!
• thank you thank you thank you that i can be who i am today. US! WE! I! ME!
  
  ***SQUISH***

(p.s. yes, little one, we can draw a picture for angela shelton to bring to nevada)

Gala and Winter Break Volunteer

I attended the GALA fundraiser for Camp CADI in September. It was fun, although I discovered I'm not a cocktail dress/wine tasting kind of gal. LOL I met some passionate people who really want to make a difference in the lives of these girls. I'm excited to be working with this organization.

Amy Barth is amazing. She is a no-nonsense, tell it like it is woman. She is so invested in the girls and really recognizes their value. I hope we raised a lot of money.

I've been invited to volunteer at the winter break Camp this year! Very exciting...umm and to be honest... absolutely terrifying. My old rotes kick back in... who am I to think I can help? whom am I to help someone heal when i'm still healing.. and on and on and on. I'm trying to break those with who am I NOT to help. What if someone had helped me 25 years ago. Would I still be struggling as much at 43? maybe.maybe not.

I just have to hold on to how to finding Angela helped me to dig in and figure out this healing stuff. If telling my story or painting a picture with a girl helps her to begin her healing or feel valued, then FEAR BE GONE! (or at least shoved aside).

Fear is a goddess inhibitor, isn't it? I will not be defeated. I just need to stay true to myself and be authentic. The rest will work itself out.

There will be another volunteer meeting for Safe Girls if anyone is interested. I'll post the info here when I get it.

http://www.safegirlsstronggirls.com/

Today, I DO feel like an angel

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/24/BASR133JSK.DTL

REPORT IT REPORT IT

When we report, people ask questions, write articles, think, take action!


CHANGE THOSE LAWS!
I wrote to my senators, personally and with honestly. WOOHOO!

Dear Diana:

Just minutes ago, Congress passed the PROTECT Our Children Act.
It was a long, hard campaign... one that started with committed PROTECT members like you and then grew to over half a million Americans after it was featured on the Oprah Winfrey show. Many Washington insiders said we would never win. We wanted you to be the first to know that we did!

As our campaign showed America, law enforcement now knows how to locate and stop hundreds of thousands of criminals who assault children and traffic in child pornography. But despite years of empty rhetoric from politicians, less than 2% of these cases are even being investigated. That begins to change today, with the passage of the PROTECT Our Children Act.

In the coming days, we'll share many of the details about this landmark bill and how it was passed. But we didn't want you to wait to hear this news. Please take time today to celebrate what we've accomplished together, because this never would have happened without you!
--The Staff and Volunteers at PROTECT

i don't feel like an angel today
or a
goddess
or a
thriver

i feel like a failure
and a
fake
and a
weak coward

i want

i want to feel good every day
i want to apply what i learn in therapy and grow
i want to believe the words i say inside (trying to change to positive thinking)

i want

... an EASY button
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

I can speak in front of people
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

I can be an advocate for others
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

I believe that it's good that I made it this far
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

I am smart and funny and people enjoy being around me
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

I love to eat turnips and squash and braggs
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

sigh... delete this or just end the entry
whatever

Dear Mr. Obama...please

• Please be the change you say you are going to be.
• Please be the best man you can be for the job. If you stay true to what you say now, I will support you.
• Please understand that you a new group of Americans are watching you and hoping.
• Please understand that you have somehow instilled in me hope and a desire to care about this election.
• Please treat my hope/desire with extra kid gloves. It is new and shiny and easily broken. I'm willing to work with the change -- if it's really there.
• Please don't let Washington corrupt you.
• When you get to that first small decision where you can either compromise yourself and go easy or you can stick to your ideals and have a difficult road, PLEASE take the difficult road.
• Please be the leader for America that we need -- someone honest, forthright, for the people, who serves the people...as a govt official should.
• Please keep an eye out for the children and the perps who prey on them. Hear us cry out for justice and a forum and then give it to us.
• Please get rid of the corrupt and self-serving people who do not care what I want or need.
• Please, even if you don't believe in abortion, continue to fight for my right to have control of my own body. I didn't have it for awhile, and now I am not going to let go of that control without a loud and vicious fight.
• Please understand that by fighting for our rights over our own body this includes reproductive health and contraception accessibility -- for all women.
• Please, please don't let me down.

Fur Persons

We lost the last of our fur persons Thursday night.

--sniff--

i loved those animals

lady tiffany whatzit misty

they never wanted anything from me but a hello and a pet or a scratch

they were happy to see me because it i was me

no more fur persons

i have a big gaping hole that i'll need to fill

i still hear them and look for them

i hope the rainbow bridge is real:
http://www.petloss.com/poems/maingrp/rainbowb.htm

the bridge is the one thing that makes it bearable for my inner kid

...d'ya think they found each other?
...are they playing together?
...do they miss me?
...will they remember me?
...are they happy and in no pain?
...is jesus feeding them? lady likes milk bones!
...are they being petted by angels?
...did god tell everyone where the best scratch spot is for each one?

i took for granted the comfort they gave
i notice it now that they are gone
i could scream for just one more doggy sigh tail wag or kitty purr

godspeed my fur persons

Update

This is the wonderful time of the year for health care annual enrollments. Since I work for a healthcare company, I've been working a lot of hours and trying to keep my head above water.

I need to work on my expectations of others. People disappoint me ... a lot. I am pretty sure I'm part of the problem, but man, it's a bummer.

I want consistency.

I want to eat anything I want and stay healthy.

I want to win the lottery, but don't want anyone to know.

I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle.

I want to bake again.

I want to provide opportunities from young girls/women to attend Camp CADI and learn to heal before too much damage is done.

I want a president who doesn't have a forked tongue.

I want Barak Obama to truly be the change he professes to be.

I want the mint chocolate atomic cake i had when i turned 16.

I want to give my partner everything she's ever wanted.

I want my partner to storm the world with her creative and beautiful photographs.

I want to create...pictures, photos, paintings, art...just create and create and create.

I want to be the change.

I want to run again..just for me and not let anyone deter me.

I want a country where no one goes hungry.

I want all the people who commit genocide to simply disappear.

I want women to be respected and honored.

it feels this way

i feel like everyone wants something
but no one cares what i want
i'm asked what i want
but no one hears
i think

it feels that way

i feel like i give and give
and people take and take
and want more and then take offense
when i balk
but no one sees it as i do
i think

it feels this way

i feel like i reached my limit
i have nothing to give right now
i don't want to give right now
i need people to hear this
they aren't listening
i think

it feels this way

More Good Things

I received an email to a volunteer organization that I've been waiting for and I'm going to go.

Someone told me I was too pretty to pick. I actually believed it and stopped for a whole day.

I received a lovely digital photo frame and decided that at least 25% of the pictures would be of me.

(this is huge. there are few pics of me in the world. i'm sure most of you would understand)

I've decided if I'm going to be in the world that I'm going to BE in it. I was struggling with "seeing" myself. So the frame is at my work and I see pics of me all day long.

Me at my best , worst, thinnest, fattest, sweatiest, and smilingest! It is slightly surreal to look at myself. It's like getting used to a stranger. I'm not judging just "seeing."

It's like umm reintroducing myself to.... myself. (it makes sense to me)

I look like i look and it's me. I'm enough. I'm here. I exist.

F'in cool....

Healing Through Creativity -- maybe

http://www.healingthroughcreativity.org/.
**from Joanna's blog: http://jdoane.blogspot.com/"

I want to send something. I want to send my I Remember "poem".
I wonder if anyone will read it?
Would I read it?
Yup
Do I send it? Am I supposed to? Why not?
Thoughts are bouncing around like mad.
Interesting.

I want to send something that is beautiful and poignant and powerful and, most importantly, uplifting.

It has to be....... SOMETHING.....

Maybe I need to add a bit on the end.
Maybe I need to do an additional poem.
Maybe ... maybe... maybe...

Sigh...

Hmmm the fact that I am even considering something is pretty darn cool.
I have a while to think about it.

Maybe I'll create a presentation of writings
Maybe...

Maybe a board of here is what I did before (listing all the destructive things)
then maybe some things i'm working on giving up
then maybe the things I've given up
and then the things I'm doing now (report it, army of angels, speaking out, writing, blogging, photography, art, activism)

(wow. "I" think that's cool! lol)

wonder if anyone else would....

maybe

Return to the Scene of the Emancipation

I'm on vacation this week and I went to the library
and got four books
(from Rosie's book list..thought I'd try them)

On the way home, I passed by Marietta Square
where I did the one-woman Report It Demonstration

I parked, grabbed a book, and got out and walked around the Square
I stopped by the ice cream shop and bought
a frozen pink lemonade ... yummy!
I walked by the spot where I stood and shook my world
and thought...
This is where IT HAPPENED!

I smiled inside and I smiled outside.

I went and sat down by a bench and drank in the sun and
beautiful weather and my frozen concoction
and began reading, "Can't Wait to Get to Heaven" by Fannie Flagg
(she is so funny)

I was there for about an hour
I was in the world
I didn't worry
I didn't obsess about who was watching me or walking by

I just read and sipped and breathed and existed

grin

Bright Days and Gray Days

you know how when you are in a movie theater and when you come out and it's sunny, the sun is so bright it hurts your eyes and you cover them immediately?

this is how life after removing the sword of trauma and trying to live can feel

Some days i see bright blues and yellows and feel like i can take on the world and it feels good

and other days... sigh...

i take a step and the "brightness" of living hits me smack dab in the eyes
my first inclination is to throw up my hands
WHOA! STOP! Ouch! Too Much!

i used to have blinders on, never seeing beyond the fact that i was abused
now the blinders are removed...gone for good
(they don't sorta go away; once you remove them, byebye)

it used to be so much easier when I could pull out the blinders and put them on
to sit and eat or whatever and hide
i can't find them now, but i still struggle with wanting them back

every so often I get stuck in the grayness between victim and thriver
i think i'm there right now
which is why i am blogging about it
often blogging helps me move on
we'll see

deep breath
squaring of shoulders
i am NOT defined by my abuse
gray is just another color
don't judge it
just let it be
acknowledge it
let it go
move on
and know that bright days are just around the corner
and worth experiencing a little gray for

To the Big People Out There

This is to all the big people out there -- like me. The fat people -- like me. We who say, "as soon as I lose some weight, I will .................... (insert anything here)."

Stop waiting! Being [insert your label] should not preclude your living life. It's an excuse. I've used it over and over again for years. Doesn't mean I don't want to address it -- just means I will no longer use my weight as a crutch. At the beginning of Angela's personal journey, she was still smoking.

I'm done. Goodbye Fat Excuse! Thanks for the use, but I am letting you go.

I was thinking the same ole same old the other day: "I'm too fat; they'll laugh at me; they'll think I'm not healing because I haven't lost weight, etc. " And then had a new thought:

"How many other big/fat people are out there saying the same thing?"

I would look at Angela Shelton and think it was easier for her. She's so pretty. She's so thin. She's an actress. Everything probably comes easier to her. People will be able to hear her because she's thin.

How presumptive! How dismissive! How arrogant! (I forgive me.)

Well, I bet there are as many "Me's" as there are Angela Shelton's. How many other women are waiting for someone like them to speak up? I was. And then I thought: "Well, why not me? What if I'm the fat Angela Shelton?" (okay, that cracked me up...but I digress).

AM I KIDDING? ME?!

Sure! Why not me? Be the change I want to see. I want to see big/fat people taking a stand, too. Speaking out. Being large warrior goddesses! Why not?

As I learned over and over again on my "Angela Journey," it just takes one person speaking up and speaking the truth for one other person to hear it, identify with it, and to begin speaking their truth. (think of the 70s Breck Shampoo commercial: she told two friends and she told two friends and so on and so on and so on...)

If right now, you are hearing all your "rotes" (those voices inside that beat you down), STOP THEM. Say this out loud or in your head:

I am worth healing.
I am worth loving.
I am worth being loved.
I love me.
SQUISH! (really. Say squish -- it's the best word in the world!)

Drink them in. Try them on for size. Roll them around on your tongue or in your mind. Feel their power. Believe in the possibility that they are truth. I believe you are worth it!

Recently, for the first time in my 43 years, I was able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror (YES THE MIRROR), and say "Squish! I love you, Diana." The kicker? I believed it.

(pause to reflect. drink. try. roll. feel. believe. smile)

I found something important enough to push me over the edge. What a way to put it, but that's it. I went over the edge of surviving into living. Oh yeah, it's a little scary. It's quite a bit uncomfortable for the time being -- but I LIKE it!

I put myself out there. The world didn't end. The sky didn't fall. No one "got" me. My skin didn't burn off. I did not explode. I did not collapse from the weight of what happened. The blackness did not consume me. I did not disappear or disintegrate. I did not turn into red hot rage.

I triumphed! I am now out there in the world, and I am okay. I am fat. I am alive. I have possibilities.

I
AM
A
BIG OL'
WARRIOR
GODDESS!

(**disclaimer. you may find that once you start speaking the truth and feeling your feelings, food doesn't hold the same power. food doesn't temporarily fill whatever if it did before. in fact, speaking your truth and sharing your story may eventually be the best diet in the world. imagine that. believe the possibility.)

Granny Bebop -- She Found Her Voice

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=piStMvsz8Q4&feature=related

"I found my voice. It may not be pretty. It may not be sweet. But it's mine!"

More Report It Videos!

Jennifer from New York
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=yM3bDIFD9m0

Diane from Ohio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvvblU2h3zg

Dorothy from Seattle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmIqk-1rUVc

Vanessa (i think from Ontario)
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=UjdAgZRf8po

Report It Now 2008 Georgia

I did it. I'll be blogging about the experience soon. Here is the video I made. It is way condensed. The last page sometimes doesn't show. Can't figure that out. www.reportitnow.org

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Amvrf_dApT8

Sometimes Silence Does Work

This Friday April 25th is the National Day of Silence which seeks to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in schools by purposely remaining silent for the duration of the school day.

A law enforcement officer speaks out

CHECK THIS OUT... Mrs. D's interview with a law enforcement officer about how victims are handled and why victims do not report the crimes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XN29riSZG50

AWESOME~!

So WHO has the agenda?

http://www.religiousleft.us/2008/04/christian-extremist-speaks.html

Victim Empowerment

http://safety.amw.com/community/victim-empowerment-through-education#comment-7010

My Thing?

Is advocacy for victims, survivors, thrivers my thing? Is this what I've been looking for all my life? It feels right. It feels like this is deep down "yes, you are supposed to do this." I am leery though. All my life I've found what i thought might be "it." I am notorious for starting a project and then when there are expectations of me, to just stop and run away. Is this a survivor issue? Hmm. Dunno.

I would like this to be my thing. I feel I have something to offer with my story and experiences. I think I represent the quiet, unassuming, don't notice me portion of survivors. We're the very quiet ones who carry the biggest swords, in my opinion, but we just don't know how to wield them! We're the ones who do all the unconscious thinking that we don't even know we're doing.

I am amazed now that I am able to think consciously about my abuse and my survivor issues how much I've already thought about it. Does that sound bizarre? Maybe. It TOTALLY makes sense to me!

I'm hoping by watching and researching Angela Shelton that I can wield my sword. I found it and took it out. OUCH! But after the initial pain (which was not as bad as a hyped it up to be in my mind) WHOA the freedom!

(so again here I reach the point where I am total overwhelmed inside. I have all these emotions/thoughts/feelings that are just pressing up. I must figure out what to do when I get here. They stop me. FYI: i'm trying this kind of writing to maybe break it, but it's not working. ARGHHHH!)

Squishes to me for getting this far! YOU ROCK, DI!

Take Back the Night

http://blog.southportlandsentry.com/2008/04/18/take-back-the-night-april-is-sexual-assault-awareness-month-printed-april-18-2008.aspx

Women of Color

Very powerful.

http://documentthesilence.wordpress.com/

Finding Angela Shelton--the Book

Wow.

The book has a lot of the movie in it, but more behind the scenes, more of Angela's thoughts and fears.

I'm still digesting. I do have to say that I am amazed that Angela was able to speak out. She shares her thoughts -- some thoughts I've had myself and swore I would never share because I thought I was crazy. When Angela says them, though, she didnt sound crazy. I totally identified.

I have also had the thoughts that maybe nothing did happen. Maybe it was childhood imagination (although where that would come from, who knows). Since I've been really thinking and trying to write or talk out what happened to me, I have discovered there are things I can't remember, but know happened. Now, to me that sounds stupid or crazy. But it's not. It just is. I know that I know.

What I got from the book is that I don't have to remember every detail. WHAT A FREAKIN' RELIEF. Other tahn Angela's videos , there is no manual for this stuff. I don't really need to know the details. I don't really want to know any more. What I do remember is enough, thank you very much.

It was very cathartic to read someone else's thoughts and journey. The silence binds us...keeps the secrets tight and in an angry, black ball inside. When we speak, it's scary, it hurts, it's humongous. But..

it's better. I swear to you, it gets better. And after even just one or two times, it's better. It's out there, in the world, shared with others. The burden is lessened. I don't understand why. I thought I had to keep it bound and safe and away from everyone else. NOPE!

If Angela's words helped me, maybe mine can help someone else. Share? Somebody else will know? (hearing that voice whispering...don't tell don't tell) YES! And the world didn't end, and I'm still alive.

THERE IS NO SHAME! Even if your body responded. Even if for one nanosecond you enjoyed the attention. THERE IS NO SHAME!

You are NOT your abuse. Your abuse happened to you. Just like you tripped and fell. Just an incident. It does not have to define you. Yes, I know it affects us and we are forever changed. WE decide what that change is. WE decide what we do with our experiences.

What are you going to do with your experience?

My Own Joy Police

Sometimes i'm my own joy police--at times, the joy senate.

I don't know anyone else who can tear me down faster than I can. My most proliferate guests (every new insult breeds another and another and they just multiply on and on) in my head are Mr. and Mrs. Rote. you're not good enough, no one likes you, you shouldn't be here, waste of space...STOP!

I'm tired of the visiting Rotes. I want the Joy Family and all their relatives to move in and clean out the "house." I want to hear you're a goddess, the world is so much better with you in it, you are kind and gentle, compassionate, fierce, a force to be reckoned, goddess of the universe!

I've invited them over a few times, more often in the recent months. I like them. When they're here and even when they leave, I feel happy and content and like I'm supposed to be here.

I think I'll invite them to move in permanently.

(teehee...just had a visual of the Joy's holding the Rotes by their collars and tossing them out unceremoniously!)

Positive Steps

I feel a little down today. When I get in these places, I ask myself, "What is better in my life since thinking, dreaming, talking, feeling, blogging, speaking about my story?"

A LOT, baby!

The fact that I'm typing this is a positive.
I am thinking about things I want to do for myself.
I am imagining that I can make a difference AND that maybe I WILL do something.
I am planning times to think about how my life is different, how I can make it different.
I am reaching out to others.
I feel a part of a group of women who are just wanting to make things better for other women.
How freakin' cool is that.?!?!
No sniping, no gossiping, just :

Hey, how are you?
What are you doing?
That's great!
You rock!
Go girl!
You can do it.
We're behind you.
What about this? What about that?
Hey, can you help?
Hey, can I help?
I'm going to empower you to be a leader.
Your FABULOUS! BEAUTIFUL! POWERFUL! A GODDESS!

I feel alive.
It's ok to share.
I can cry and I will stop.
I can be angry and I can stop being angry. It wont' last forever.
I feel hopeful.
I can affect change.

I AM ME and I AM OK and I AM BETTER THANK OK.

(rubbing hands together) Where to start...where to start...

(SMILING)

Another Part

part one is here: http://isurvivedintact.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-remember.html

My story is sounds and shadows

Breaths, sighs, moans
quiet, secretive

A figure watching in the dark
above my bed, in the corner, in the doorway

No physical pain
just an internal folding in
constant and necessary and silent

I became four
--angry
--hopeless
--sadness
--wee one

Each part needed for survival
each part allowed me to keep the whole
separate but united in one cause
keep us safe

*i have to stop here for now*

Blog Your Sword Out

(copied from the Georgia Group..thought it beared **is that the right word???** repeating)

Angela recently had a teleconference where she shared that we should all create a blog to tell our stories. I actually started mine about 8 months ago after watching one of her videos about telling your story any way you can.

What I found is that telling the story is, of course, hard at first, but it gets easy and amazingly, the pain and terror goes away after awhile. This TOTALLY amazed me and still does.

I have not told my whole story, yet. I started with one portion because that is what I was able to share at the time. For me, I go slowly and take time. I'm working (in my head) on the next part. I struggle because I have trouble recalling my childhood. Some things are crystal clear and others are murky. I do know what happened to me, but putting it into words or images is what I struggle with.

However, now that I've got the ball rolling, it's coming along nicely, in my opinion.

So, start a blog. Go to http://www.blogspot.com/ and create one. Just anything. Try not to get caught up in anything fancy. If, right now, telling your story is one sentence, then DO IT! A start is a start. Many times the first words are the hardest.

One other thing Angela shared is that we should stop comparing ourselves to others. I am notorious for doing that. "Oh, she writes better than me." "I can't do that." "She's special."

Well, I can do anything. I write just fine, and there is no one, NO ONE, else who can tell my story better than me!

WRITE WRITE WRITE

Rape? or just close your legs....

This totally made me angry. While it may be true that women need to be more aware and take more responsibility for themselves, I truly feel that most of us don't truly understand what sexual assault is.

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/sunday/commentary/la-op-mac_donal...

Case in point: I wanted to report something on the Report It! site before I sent it out to others (from my childhood). I wanted to see what it was and do it for myself. What I realized in reporting my one thing is that I had three other incidents. I read all of the choices that were on the page and thought, "THAT is sexual assault?!" I asked my partner about two other things that had happened, and she said, "Well, yeah. That is definitely sexual assault!"

I came up with one more thing -- a total of four incidents I reported. I had to stop at that point from sheer amazement and horror at what I didn't know had happened to me. (If you've read my blog...again, it wasn't that bad....it was that bad.)

As women we often hear we are overreacting.. no wonder so many things are unreported. It's not just fear or shame....it's that many of us don't even realize we've been assaulted. (I tried to find a word to fit what I was thinking, but my mind just blinked).

homework and angels?

Angela said to create a blog. tell our story.

i don't think she realized she already "asked" me months ago
during one of her videos.

something she said..seemed right to me

it seemed like the right time
like someone who knew what I'd been through was saying
yes, do it, why not, you should, it's helpful, it's okay

it's okay
how i've longed to hear it's okay
i've just now come to realize that "I" can say it's okay
and
.....it's okay

So, I have a "poem" I wrote about a minute piece of my story
way at the beginning of this blog

i wrote it
it was raw
painful

i believe it was my sword being removed

i re-read it
it was raw
but a little less painful

i re-read it
i was tender
i felt just a little pain

it was okay
i was okay
i am okay

i printed it
read it to my therapist
finally mailed it to angela

it no longer solely resides in me
it is out there in the world
i am no longer solely inside of me
i am out there in the world

i am okay

...and...i may be an angel

it's on its way

more of my story is on its way

i struggle to remember my youth

i shut it out for so long
i was a ghost child
here, but not present

i will remember more and i will be okay

men at work

Realized something the other day.
I normally manage women.
I have a new male worker.
I am not comfortable w/him and I don't care to get to know him.
--blink--
something new to work on, I suppose

My idea of a satisfying work experience is NOT to sit
in a small cube with a male.

to be effective, I'll have to...
darn it LOL

I suppose I'm not being fair to the regular, normal, non creeps out there

Ok, I'll try.
Will have to find a way to make it acceptable in my head.
Like I've done with so many things...this is actually good, but I don't
feel like explaining at the moment. It's a positive way
I have to do things that I have to do that I don't want to do
but that need to be done AT WORK.

blech.. sigh... deep breath... thinking...

EUREKA!

i did it i did it!!!!!

I have successfully added Angela Shelton's Blog widget to the right.

I am PRINCESS OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the dichotomy of me

Here I am... I manage 5 people and run an operations dept. I track multiple projects and services, handle client issues, and use 20 gazillion programs effectively.

Here i am... trying to navigate Google Groups for Angela Shelton's Campaign, trying to update his blog to add widgets and headers... AND I'M TOTALLY LOST!

OY

I did it!

I just yesterday finally had the courage to mail my handprint masterpiece. I added the following to the bottom:

"I am an Angela Shelton...www.angelashelton.com"

whoa

very liberating, but OY VEY, I had a moment of panic and felt extremely exposed and vulnerable to the universe. and all was okay. i didn't disappear, no one laughed, the "committee" was quiet and i felt better

whoa

....i did a joy jig in my head... progress!