When I was 17, I was at a party at a friend's house. I was sitting on the piano bench next to someone playing and we were singing our hearts out ... Christmas songs. I loved to sing. I felt alive when I sang. For me, singing was from inside me and it was one of the few times I let my inside come out. I adored singing.
(side note... um I can't sing. tone deaf. tin ear. sinus/ear issues, so really, honestly, it was pretty bad)
I heard a comment to my left and looked up and one girl (she was blonde w/blue eyes... I remember the expression of disgust in her eyes) said "Why are you singing? It's horrible." (people can be so cruel) I kept moving my mouth, but no longer singing.
That was the last time I sang for joy. I'm 43 now.
My partner bought a karaoke machine. I find I can no longer sing. I am so repressed in it, I still cannot sing out loud... even sing in the privacy of my home. I hear that girl's voice and I see her eyes. I guess flashbacks come in many forms.
My partner loves to sing... gets so much pleasure out of it. Disappointed that I don't sing with her. (out! out! damn blue-eyed, blonde hairie meanie poo-poo head! be gone!)
It's Christmastime again. I want to sing carols. I want to sing about the birth, candy, grandma and the reindeers and hippopotomuses.
WAIT! I WANT to sing. Even if it's bad. I WANT to sing again. Not being able to sing doesn't take away the joy... the inside coming out. I have that power to let it out, to feel the joy again.
I'm an angel in this army against abuse. Angels sing!
Searching for my Joy this month:
I AM GOING TO SING. OUT LOUD. TO KARAOKE (um in the privacy of my home lol).
I AM GOING TO ENJOY MY PARTNER AND MYSELF.
I WANT MY INSIDE TO BE OUT.
THIS IS HOW I AM GOING TO HEAL.
INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT
inside
out
www.armyofangels.net
No comments:
Post a Comment