just being

do you ever wanna just be?
just sit there and be

no expectations
from others or from yourself

no recriminations
from others or from yourself

it's easy and insidious and well easy

can't really live life if you just be

what do i mean by be...

not relaxing in your presence and being in the moment

nope

more like...

just sitting
staring
not thinking
vegging
nothing hard
nothing wanted
no opinions
no fighting
just blah

i wonder if this is a survivor issue

just wondering

random thoughts

i'm struggling with some personal issues. just saying.

working on april events

being asked to go above and beyond the cosmos for work

eating eating eating and waiting to stop and realize i'm waiting for myself

i'm a little angry that food isn't working as it did and that i'm still eating.

if i'm going to eat, i want the satisfaction (stomping feet) or at least the fog.

how to i free the one thing i hid and protected all those years ago

do i want to. no. do i need to. i think so

terror OY VEY deep breath

this part of me, the kernel i call it, is so protected that i can't even access it at the moment. it's the me that looked down from the ceiling, the me that was before the silence, the me that is me that i refused to let anyone have, ruin, destroy

it is what i am and i'm still not going to let anyone tarnish or corrupt it

how do i protect all that i am and still share who i am with myself and others

i hope i find the answer while there's time left to reap the benefits

mineminemine
protect fists up
fierce growl determination unmovable
folding in wrapping up in silence anger fear self preservation
protection like fort knox with a treasure more precious than anything on this earth

mine me I

Owning my inner Angel

I have to own the following things:

I am making a difference
I am healing
I am thriving
I am reaching out
I am worth the effort
I am healing
I am helping others
I am strong
I am brave
I am doing things I've never even dreamed I could think about doing

YAY ME!

my body

ack. just typing the title of this posting makes me uncomfortable.

Read a good post on Army of Angels: http://www.armyofangels.net/2008/12/get-allies-in-your-healing.html

It left me feeling vaguely unsettled and thinking, Do I haaaaaaaaave to? I don't have to do anything, but I'm thinking owning and taking care of my body is going to be a part of my healing.

blech.

I'm fairly disconnected from my body. I have pains most of the time and I pretty much just note it and move along.

How do I honor my body?
What does that mean?
I don't really want to know.
I guess.
Shouldn't I want to know? (who's asking that?)
I guess I do.
Ack.

I also watched the Blip video of Angela and friends doing "All the Single Ladies":
http://blip.tv/file/1606846 (danny, kimleigh, and angela)

I cannot ever imagine doing that.
Kimleigh seems to know her body. She seems in tune with it.

What does it mean to be aware of your body?
And, once you're aware, what the heck are you supposed to do with it?!??

oy

Releasing my Joy

When I was 17, I was at a party at a friend's house. I was sitting on the piano bench next to someone playing and we were singing our hearts out ... Christmas songs. I loved to sing. I felt alive when I sang. For me, singing was from inside me and it was one of the few times I let my inside come out. I adored singing.

(side note... um I can't sing. tone deaf. tin ear. sinus/ear issues, so really, honestly, it was pretty bad)

I heard a comment to my left and looked up and one girl (she was blonde w/blue eyes... I remember the expression of disgust in her eyes) said "Why are you singing? It's horrible." (people can be so cruel) I kept moving my mouth, but no longer singing.

That was the last time I sang for joy. I'm 43 now.

My partner bought a karaoke machine. I find I can no longer sing. I am so repressed in it, I still cannot sing out loud... even sing in the privacy of my home. I hear that girl's voice and I see her eyes. I guess flashbacks come in many forms.

My partner loves to sing... gets so much pleasure out of it. Disappointed that I don't sing with her. (out! out! damn blue-eyed, blonde hairie meanie poo-poo head! be gone!)

It's Christmastime again. I want to sing carols. I want to sing about the birth, candy, grandma and the reindeers and hippopotomuses.

WAIT! I WANT to sing. Even if it's bad. I WANT to sing again. Not being able to sing doesn't take away the joy... the inside coming out. I have that power to let it out, to feel the joy again.

I'm an angel in this army against abuse. Angels sing!

Searching for my Joy this month:
I AM GOING TO SING. OUT LOUD. TO KARAOKE (um in the privacy of my home lol).
I AM GOING TO ENJOY MY PARTNER AND MYSELF.
I WANT MY INSIDE TO BE OUT.
THIS IS HOW I AM GOING TO HEAL.

INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT

inside

out

www.armyofangels.net

therapy, a realization, and a celebration

therapy...

• Was doing NET in therapy the other day (I'm working on my food issues.. yech!).
• While trying to affirm that I am okay with eating to provide physical nourishment, I had a flashback.
• Sometimes (angela said this in her book) i hate therapy.

a realization...

• This was a tough one. I couldn't remember one of the abuser's names.
• One of them was not who I thought it was. (was just a different family member).
• This totally freaked me out. How could I not remember who it was and not knowing was terrifying and I mean terrifying. Had a panic attack. I am not sure why I thought I should've (there's that word again) known, but I did. Even writing this five days later, I remember the feeling of not knowing.

a realization...

• There was a lot more abuse than I thought.
• I remembered something I had forgotten for years. I had never told anyone about it (even my therapist after 4 years of therapy) and i don't think i ever talked in my head to myself about it. I cannot remember everything that happened in "the shed", but I remember it was bad and wrong (ack!).
• I can talk about it, but that's not what this entry is for. (okay, i just re-read this bulletpoint. how cool is this!?? casually, she says: i can talk about... hmm FABULOUS!)

a realization...

• even remembering more, that my abuse was the quiet, hush, don't tell, no pain, kind of abuse.
• I used to think this made my abuse not too bad. OY! I know better now.
• I had been abused most of my pre-teen life. whoa.
• i had never put anything together before this moment. from kindgarten through at least fifth grade, incident after incident. Some I had never identified as abuse at all.
• Now I know better.

a realization...

• Young me made it through all this. Now I've said before yeah, I'm strong, I was strong, I survived, but DAMN!
• My little kid was a FREAKIN A STRONG LITTLE CUSS! She still is. I've said it but never really truly recognized the greatness of it. Oh my gosh.
• And out of it, yes we have some issues, but by golly we (ME!) are strong and can laugh and love and care and be compassionate towards others.
• The capacity to still love is there. wow. i hope i remember to love every day.

a celebration...

• I WON I WON I WON !
• YAY FOR MY LITTLE KID. YAY FOR ME! I did it. We did it.
• They may have had my body for awhile, but i always had me.
• I protected me like a lioness protecting her cubs.
• I used whatever means i had so they couldn't get to "me".
• I never caved. they may have stormed the castle doors and there are dents and scratches, but the doors remained INTACT.
• hahahahahahhhahahahahahahaha **joyful laughter**

a celebration...

• i love you little child!
• thank you for getting through what you did.
• thank you for knowing to bar the doors.
• thank you for keeping a part of us behind those doors.
• thank you for realizing, and trusting, we can open those doors now.
• you are the strongest person i've ever known.
• i am so proud of you.
• i am here and ready to take care of you this time. take my hand and let's go!
• thank you thank you thank you that i can be who i am today. US! WE! I! ME!
  
  ***SQUISH***

(p.s. yes, little one, we can draw a picture for angela shelton to bring to nevada)

My Thing?

Is advocacy for victims, survivors, thrivers my thing? Is this what I've been looking for all my life? It feels right. It feels like this is deep down "yes, you are supposed to do this." I am leery though. All my life I've found what i thought might be "it." I am notorious for starting a project and then when there are expectations of me, to just stop and run away. Is this a survivor issue? Hmm. Dunno.

I would like this to be my thing. I feel I have something to offer with my story and experiences. I think I represent the quiet, unassuming, don't notice me portion of survivors. We're the very quiet ones who carry the biggest swords, in my opinion, but we just don't know how to wield them! We're the ones who do all the unconscious thinking that we don't even know we're doing.

I am amazed now that I am able to think consciously about my abuse and my survivor issues how much I've already thought about it. Does that sound bizarre? Maybe. It TOTALLY makes sense to me!

I'm hoping by watching and researching Angela Shelton that I can wield my sword. I found it and took it out. OUCH! But after the initial pain (which was not as bad as a hyped it up to be in my mind) WHOA the freedom!

(so again here I reach the point where I am total overwhelmed inside. I have all these emotions/thoughts/feelings that are just pressing up. I must figure out what to do when I get here. They stop me. FYI: i'm trying this kind of writing to maybe break it, but it's not working. ARGHHHH!)

Squishes to me for getting this far! YOU ROCK, DI!

safe place

a room
wood floors
a rocking chair
no windows
four children wary of one another

coming together
slowly so slowly
i can enter the room now
safe place

we've been in a circle
we've held hands
i've spoken
told them thank you

angry
wee one
sadness
hopeless

thank you young ones for hanging
on the best you knew how
i'm here because of you
thank you thank you thank you

a hand to each soft cheek
a soft loving smile
a sigh
a safe place
inside of me

a reminder for myself

i made it
i survived
im intact
not perfect
but intact

more?

there is more. i can't believe i wrote what i wrote. first time. ever. blink. i'm still here. the world didn't end. i'm ok. blink. i feel....okay. this is good. it just is. i still made it.

i still survived. but there is more. some other time perhaps.

what is after surviving? scary thought. i survived for so long i don't know what it is not to survive, but to maybe live. is that what is next?

i really just wish someome would tell me the next step. give me the magic word, step, ritual, thoughts. wonder if i'll ever not want the easy button for this stuff.