title

i realized i spend more time thinking of titles so,,,,I'm just putting title in the title. ;-)

Life has been very busy with all the events I'm working on, which is why posting is sparse.

Yesterday, 4/11, I was at our ChalkFest for Safe Girls. We were out at Centennial Park trying to raise funds. I was speaking to people about surviving and abuse and approaching strangers. I realized toward the end that it is really draining to do this for any length of time. While i'm ok with speaking about it and sharing, I just had no idea how much emotional eneregy it took.

Just typing this, my brain is like, pause! pause! still recharging!....

Anyway, I can appreciate Angela's journey more now than I could two days ago. Wow.

On a positive note: I got to meet an awesome 20 year old who went to the abuse camp I'm supporting. 20 years old, a survivor, and out there in the world talking about it! Yes!(At 20, I was drinking and well other things.)

I also met woman after woman who said, "I'm a survivor too." Said in just a matter of fact way. I just smiled. It was a connection. Yes!


I met a few guys who were just as passionate about the need to help and speak up. One guy was so excited about the camp, he told his daughter who is in college to "get together with all your groups and stuff" and "you need to help this camp." "This stuff is even where we live and people need help." I was blown away. He gave the daughter all the documentation. Yes!


I thought later that I should have said something to him that HE needs to help too. That HE should get out there and help other people. SNAP need to remember this for next time.

I saw teenage girls hang back, but pay absolute attention when some of us were talking. To me, they were shy but were listening intently. Yes!

I saw pre-teens very curious and open. Listening. Engaged. Yes!

I saw myself out there in the world. Speaking up. Breaking the Silence. Being the change I wanted to see. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I've become the person I blogged about. I'm becoming an Angela Shelton. YES!

conference musings

i just spent the weekend with an awesome group of women.

1) angela shelton is just angela shelton
2) ali's voice is even better in person
3) kimleigh is amazing and funny and can dance the socks off anyone out there
4) i totally made an ass of myself in front of dee wallace (maybe I'll explain later)
5) angela rose's smile lights up the room

being with a group of women was simply amazing
i've never experienced any like it
women should come together to celebrate more
i danced and felt my body--for the first time in ... a long time
i danced in a bar
i felt a part of a larger purpose

i'm overwhelmed at my feelings at the moment
will try to get them down after further thought

may you believe you are beautiful and powerful and wonderful in every sense...

di

here we go....

wow. i'm just a busy bee from now until end of april.

army of angels conference Friday (omg friday...gulp)
i'm sure it will be fun
i'm just never comfortable in a group situation
especially a group of women
i can only be me, though

who am I? i'm me! strong warrior angel!
just keep saying just keep saying it
big breath
here we go....

april events for breaking the silence month
all month long
what if i do something wrong
what if one doesn't go well
it's ok it's ok
what we're doing is GOOD GOOD STUFF
if one person is empowered to break their silence
it's worth all the time and effort and yes, even self doubt
big breath
here we go....

just being

do you ever wanna just be?
just sit there and be

no expectations
from others or from yourself

no recriminations
from others or from yourself

it's easy and insidious and well easy

can't really live life if you just be

what do i mean by be...

not relaxing in your presence and being in the moment

nope

more like...

just sitting
staring
not thinking
vegging
nothing hard
nothing wanted
no opinions
no fighting
just blah

i wonder if this is a survivor issue

just wondering

random thoughts

i'm struggling with some personal issues. just saying.

working on april events

being asked to go above and beyond the cosmos for work

eating eating eating and waiting to stop and realize i'm waiting for myself

i'm a little angry that food isn't working as it did and that i'm still eating.

if i'm going to eat, i want the satisfaction (stomping feet) or at least the fog.

how to i free the one thing i hid and protected all those years ago

do i want to. no. do i need to. i think so

terror OY VEY deep breath

this part of me, the kernel i call it, is so protected that i can't even access it at the moment. it's the me that looked down from the ceiling, the me that was before the silence, the me that is me that i refused to let anyone have, ruin, destroy

it is what i am and i'm still not going to let anyone tarnish or corrupt it

how do i protect all that i am and still share who i am with myself and others

i hope i find the answer while there's time left to reap the benefits

mineminemine
protect fists up
fierce growl determination unmovable
folding in wrapping up in silence anger fear self preservation
protection like fort knox with a treasure more precious than anything on this earth

mine me I

Army of Angels Conference Information!

http://www.eventbrite.com/event/223331992/emailinvite/?invite=OTMxNTIvZGlqb2U4MTY5OEBzd3ZhLm5ldC8x%0A

Here is the Agenda:

March 13, 20096:15pm Welcome Dinner – Showing of Video, Transition to Survivor
7:00pm Introductions of Angels/Activity
7:45pm “Angela Shelton Found Me”

Play written by Angela Shelton, directed by Dorothy Lemault, performed by “Angels”
*Discussion of play with snacks and refreshments to follow

March 14, 2009
9:00am-10:30am Angela Rose - Organizing Your Community - Grassroots Action to Shatter The Silence of Sexual Violence and building the national movement

Founder & Executive Director of PAVE: Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment, Angela Rose is a national leader in the movement to shatter the silence of sexual violence. After over a decade of battling the myths and ongoing incidents of sexual assault, Angela has become a valued educator in survivor empowerment and violence prevention. Through PAVE, Angela has trained fraternities and sororities in sexual assault prevention, produced a documentary entitled “Transition to Survivor,” and founded Men Opposing Sexual Assault, a group that highlights the importance of men in the anti-sexual assault movement. She staged a national protest regarding the silencing of sexual assault victims in court that was covered on CNN and the Today Show.

10:30am – 10:45am Break

10:45am – 12:00pm Meagan Poole *TBA
Meghan is a student at Murray State University and believes that everyone has the power to make a difference, and enjoys working alongside several amazing local and national organizations such as Security on Campus, Merryman House Domestic Crisis Center, and the Purchase Area Sexual Assault Center.

12:00pm – 1:00pm Catered Lunch

1:00pm – 2:15pm Wendy Murphy - Legal Issues/Sexual Assault/Advocacy
An ex-prosecutor who specialized in child abuse and sex crimes cases. The first lawyer in the country to run a program to provide free legal services to crime victims, Wendy has been fighting for victims' rights for twenty years. As an adjunct professor, she also manages the Sexual Violence Legal News and Judicial Language projects at her law school and consults with crime victims across the country to help them achieve justice. Wendy has worked as a legal analyst for CBS News, CNN, Fox News and MSNBC. She appears regularly on cable and network news programs to provide commentary on legal news stories. And Justice For Some is her first book.

2:15pm – 2:30pm Break

2:30pm – 4:15pm Healing/Inspiration Therapy *TBA

4:15pm - 4:30pm Break

4:30pm – 5:15pm Diann Diaz - Raising the Volume - Making it Loud and Clear!
In this presentation, Diann will prepare Team Leaders with the skills and knowledge of building awareness in each state. As we all know, there can never be enough education. If you are not a Team Leader, now is the time to sign up or join a team! Diann is known for her emergency advocacy in the hospitals and police stations for the victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. Diann is also called upon to speak at local colleges and universities regarding sexual assault. You will also find her at conferences across the state of Virginia speaking on topics such as, “Domestic Abuse Victims – Why Do they Stay” and “Protect and Serve…What it Can Also Mean”. Diann Diaz is a National Ambassador FoRe! Ending Domestic-Sexual abuse, survivor of childhood sexual assault, advocate for victims, educator in the community on violence prevention, and an upcoming author.

5:15 – 6:00 Catered Dinner

6:00 – 7:30 Kimleigh Smith - T.O.T.A.L.L.Y Performance & Discussion
kimleigh inspires audiences through her hilarious and honest story to embrace their inner superheroes and find the strength to move forward no matter what. Kimleigh beautifully portrays herself as a 17-year-old innocent virgin rushing back from cheerleading for the winning football team. She is convinced that she is going to get the quarterback as her boyfriend only to be gang raped by him and two of his friends. Kimleigh, like many rape survivors, suppresses the rage and heartbreak from the attack and goes back to “life as usual” only to be faced with her legs and genitals becoming paralyzed for years! Watch Kimleigh perform her powerful one hour theater piece, taking the audience through a journey that is totally uplifting, totally heartbreaking, and totally powerful. T.O.T.A.L.L.Y!

7:30 – 7:45 Break

7:45 – 9:15 Angela Shelton - Removing the Sword of Trauma
In this powerful presentation, Angela shares her concept of trauma being similar to being pierced with a sword. She takes you through the process of acknowledging it, removing it, and then using the sword in your life as a warrior instead of a victim.

Releasing my Joy

When I was 17, I was at a party at a friend's house. I was sitting on the piano bench next to someone playing and we were singing our hearts out ... Christmas songs. I loved to sing. I felt alive when I sang. For me, singing was from inside me and it was one of the few times I let my inside come out. I adored singing.

(side note... um I can't sing. tone deaf. tin ear. sinus/ear issues, so really, honestly, it was pretty bad)

I heard a comment to my left and looked up and one girl (she was blonde w/blue eyes... I remember the expression of disgust in her eyes) said "Why are you singing? It's horrible." (people can be so cruel) I kept moving my mouth, but no longer singing.

That was the last time I sang for joy. I'm 43 now.

My partner bought a karaoke machine. I find I can no longer sing. I am so repressed in it, I still cannot sing out loud... even sing in the privacy of my home. I hear that girl's voice and I see her eyes. I guess flashbacks come in many forms.

My partner loves to sing... gets so much pleasure out of it. Disappointed that I don't sing with her. (out! out! damn blue-eyed, blonde hairie meanie poo-poo head! be gone!)

It's Christmastime again. I want to sing carols. I want to sing about the birth, candy, grandma and the reindeers and hippopotomuses.

WAIT! I WANT to sing. Even if it's bad. I WANT to sing again. Not being able to sing doesn't take away the joy... the inside coming out. I have that power to let it out, to feel the joy again.

I'm an angel in this army against abuse. Angels sing!

Searching for my Joy this month:
I AM GOING TO SING. OUT LOUD. TO KARAOKE (um in the privacy of my home lol).
I AM GOING TO ENJOY MY PARTNER AND MYSELF.
I WANT MY INSIDE TO BE OUT.
THIS IS HOW I AM GOING TO HEAL.

INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT

inside

out

www.armyofangels.net

Humor Loss or Heightened Awareness of Women's Issues

.....

NOTE: The following may be a trigger. Just a loving warning.



I just returned from a Vegas trip. Had fun, except for one thing:

I was at a "dueling piano" bar. Two guys took requests for money and played vegas versions of popular songs while the audience sang along. Are you asking how come that wasn't fun?

At one point they started doing guys against gals songs. Gals tipped $60 (collectively) and piano guy #1 sang excerpts from Dancing Queen, I will survive, etc. Ya know, chick songs. Gals sang and cheered, guys moaned and groaned. Still sounds fun, eh?

Piano guy #2 gets guys to donate $75. Starts off with joke: "Woman with two black eyes asked why her man hit her. Why? Because she didn't hear him after the first one." This was followed by three jokes 1) smacking around your woman to put her in her place; 2) what is a woman good for --insert nasty open leg comment--; and 3) stupid *itches need a punch to keep them in their place.

These were inserted between some pretty nasty bawdy rewords of common songs.

(author note: what i've put in here is in no way as bad as it got. some i can remember, some i can't, some i refuse to type and put into existence again).

Now I know I was in Vegas, and bawdy and sexual is the norm, however, while the nasty songs were being sung and the violent jokes were being thrown out there, the men were catcalling and hooting and clapping while the women got quieter and quieter. I looked around and the women were tense and bordering on angry, i think. Same for me. I kept waiting for it to stop.

The more nastier the comments and songs got, the louder all the men got (not all, but at least 90%). Women starting leaving.

Piano guy #1 picked up on the change in the bar, and he tried half-heartedly to bring the fun back. (he didn't try hard enough)

I argued with myself, have I lost my sense of humor? how bad could this get? should i stand up and say something?

hell, no! not with 90% of the men in the room hollering and laughing. All i kept thinking of was the scene from the Jodie Foster movie , The Accused.

We, along with others, got up and walked out.

Now, I was arguing with myself about sense of humor? Who am I kidding? Was not funny. Why was I arguing about how offensive this was. It was horrible, misoginystic (spelling?) and scary.

I kind of put it out of my mind for the rest of the evening, but was uneasy all night. Went to bed. Had nightmares. Kept waking up hearing men laughing and hollering in the that tone (you know what I mean!). Kept having flashes of #2 and men in the audience and how their faces looked. oh god, it was scary.

Woke up crying. I don't want to minimize anything about rape, but I felt emotionally raped. And I just sat there. I know it's my safety first. I know this. And i am angry at myself for not saying anything. I did say in my head that if he says one thing about rape, I am walking right up to him and slapping him. Let me tell you , I WAS READY TO AND I WOULD HAVE.

wow

I'm almost in tears now.

I guess someone above was taking care of me because #2 just kept doing violence against women jokes and did cross that lost red line (i am just a tad disappointed...is that wrong?)

I still cannot get it out of my head. I'm writing a letter or calling Harrah's. I haven't decided which. I am still trying to get this figured out in my head. I think emotional rape is pretty up there with physical rape (that hasn't happened to me, but I wonder). I guess physical rape is both: emotional and physical, so it's the worst.

Why am I trying to make mine seem less!!??! Why am I trying to explain it away???? Is this what we do...we women? Minimize? NO MORE! NO MORE! NO MORE! What happened happened. It is was it is. IT TOTALLY SUCKED AND I AM MAD AS HELL ABOUT IT!

If this means I have no sense of humor left about women jokes, then so be it.

I need a freakin bat and a chair! (be right back)

a fist and a pillow is good too! ;0)

Questions:
how many women in that bar had my reaction?
how many women knew it was wrong and didn't think anything of it?
how many women were scared?
how many women knew something felt wrong, but couldn't identify it?
how many women were angry?
how many women did nothing, said nothing, pushed it deep down?
how many women rationalized the behavior by saying "well, i'm in vegas?"

how long are we going to sit back and say nothing, do nothing, continue to be beaten down emotionally?

NO LONGER! NOT ME! DONE DONE DONE!

--stream of consciousness writing--

i am soooo angry right now. just pissed off. i can feel it in my chest. i thought this blogging would help get it out. well i guess it did. it's not deep down. it's definitely clearer. i wanted to punch every man that laughed. hard. so the violence i heard made me want to be violent. great. sigh. i don't know what to do with this. it's all twisted up and black and red and hurts.

madmadmad angerangeranger rageragerage fearfearfear painpainpain redredred violentcolorsswirlingroundandround laughingmalevoicesinmyhead hatehatehate hatefulelaughtercloggingmymemories notfairnotfairnot innerchildcrying hugherhugerhugher holdtight sayingiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou ilovemeilovemeiloveme breathingslowerfeelingarelease angela angels survivors womenstandingup bethechangeiwanttosee lovelovelove squish

therapy, a realization, and a celebration

therapy...

• Was doing NET in therapy the other day (I'm working on my food issues.. yech!).
• While trying to affirm that I am okay with eating to provide physical nourishment, I had a flashback.
• Sometimes (angela said this in her book) i hate therapy.

a realization...

• This was a tough one. I couldn't remember one of the abuser's names.
• One of them was not who I thought it was. (was just a different family member).
• This totally freaked me out. How could I not remember who it was and not knowing was terrifying and I mean terrifying. Had a panic attack. I am not sure why I thought I should've (there's that word again) known, but I did. Even writing this five days later, I remember the feeling of not knowing.

a realization...

• There was a lot more abuse than I thought.
• I remembered something I had forgotten for years. I had never told anyone about it (even my therapist after 4 years of therapy) and i don't think i ever talked in my head to myself about it. I cannot remember everything that happened in "the shed", but I remember it was bad and wrong (ack!).
• I can talk about it, but that's not what this entry is for. (okay, i just re-read this bulletpoint. how cool is this!?? casually, she says: i can talk about... hmm FABULOUS!)

a realization...

• even remembering more, that my abuse was the quiet, hush, don't tell, no pain, kind of abuse.
• I used to think this made my abuse not too bad. OY! I know better now.
• I had been abused most of my pre-teen life. whoa.
• i had never put anything together before this moment. from kindgarten through at least fifth grade, incident after incident. Some I had never identified as abuse at all.
• Now I know better.

a realization...

• Young me made it through all this. Now I've said before yeah, I'm strong, I was strong, I survived, but DAMN!
• My little kid was a FREAKIN A STRONG LITTLE CUSS! She still is. I've said it but never really truly recognized the greatness of it. Oh my gosh.
• And out of it, yes we have some issues, but by golly we (ME!) are strong and can laugh and love and care and be compassionate towards others.
• The capacity to still love is there. wow. i hope i remember to love every day.

a celebration...

• I WON I WON I WON !
• YAY FOR MY LITTLE KID. YAY FOR ME! I did it. We did it.
• They may have had my body for awhile, but i always had me.
• I protected me like a lioness protecting her cubs.
• I used whatever means i had so they couldn't get to "me".
• I never caved. they may have stormed the castle doors and there are dents and scratches, but the doors remained INTACT.
• hahahahahahhhahahahahahahaha **joyful laughter**

a celebration...

• i love you little child!
• thank you for getting through what you did.
• thank you for knowing to bar the doors.
• thank you for keeping a part of us behind those doors.
• thank you for realizing, and trusting, we can open those doors now.
• you are the strongest person i've ever known.
• i am so proud of you.
• i am here and ready to take care of you this time. take my hand and let's go!
• thank you thank you thank you that i can be who i am today. US! WE! I! ME!
  
  ***SQUISH***

(p.s. yes, little one, we can draw a picture for angela shelton to bring to nevada)

My Thing?

Is advocacy for victims, survivors, thrivers my thing? Is this what I've been looking for all my life? It feels right. It feels like this is deep down "yes, you are supposed to do this." I am leery though. All my life I've found what i thought might be "it." I am notorious for starting a project and then when there are expectations of me, to just stop and run away. Is this a survivor issue? Hmm. Dunno.

I would like this to be my thing. I feel I have something to offer with my story and experiences. I think I represent the quiet, unassuming, don't notice me portion of survivors. We're the very quiet ones who carry the biggest swords, in my opinion, but we just don't know how to wield them! We're the ones who do all the unconscious thinking that we don't even know we're doing.

I am amazed now that I am able to think consciously about my abuse and my survivor issues how much I've already thought about it. Does that sound bizarre? Maybe. It TOTALLY makes sense to me!

I'm hoping by watching and researching Angela Shelton that I can wield my sword. I found it and took it out. OUCH! But after the initial pain (which was not as bad as a hyped it up to be in my mind) WHOA the freedom!

(so again here I reach the point where I am total overwhelmed inside. I have all these emotions/thoughts/feelings that are just pressing up. I must figure out what to do when I get here. They stop me. FYI: i'm trying this kind of writing to maybe break it, but it's not working. ARGHHHH!)

Squishes to me for getting this far! YOU ROCK, DI!

Take Back the Night

http://blog.southportlandsentry.com/2008/04/18/take-back-the-night-april-is-sexual-assault-awareness-month-printed-april-18-2008.aspx

more?

there is more. i can't believe i wrote what i wrote. first time. ever. blink. i'm still here. the world didn't end. i'm ok. blink. i feel....okay. this is good. it just is. i still made it.

i still survived. but there is more. some other time perhaps.

what is after surviving? scary thought. i survived for so long i don't know what it is not to survive, but to maybe live. is that what is next?

i really just wish someome would tell me the next step. give me the magic word, step, ritual, thoughts. wonder if i'll ever not want the easy button for this stuff.