Saturday, April 19, 2008
My Thing?
Is advocacy for victims, survivors, thrivers my thing? Is this what I've been looking for all my life? It feels right. It feels like this is deep down "yes, you are supposed to do this." I am leery though. All my life I've found what i thought might be "it." I am notorious for starting a project and then when there are expectations of me, to just stop and run away. Is this a survivor issue? Hmm. Dunno.
I would like this to be my thing. I feel I have something to offer with my story and experiences. I think I represent the quiet, unassuming, don't notice me portion of survivors. We're the very quiet ones who carry the biggest swords, in my opinion, but we just don't know how to wield them! We're the ones who do all the unconscious thinking that we don't even know we're doing.
I am amazed now that I am able to think consciously about my abuse and my survivor issues how much I've already thought about it. Does that sound bizarre? Maybe. It TOTALLY makes sense to me!
I'm hoping by watching and researching Angela Shelton that I can wield my sword. I found it and took it out. OUCH! But after the initial pain (which was not as bad as a hyped it up to be in my mind) WHOA the freedom!
(so again here I reach the point where I am total overwhelmed inside. I have all these emotions/thoughts/feelings that are just pressing up. I must figure out what to do when I get here. They stop me. FYI: i'm trying this kind of writing to maybe break it, but it's not working. ARGHHHH!)
Squishes to me for getting this far! YOU ROCK, DI!
I would like this to be my thing. I feel I have something to offer with my story and experiences. I think I represent the quiet, unassuming, don't notice me portion of survivors. We're the very quiet ones who carry the biggest swords, in my opinion, but we just don't know how to wield them! We're the ones who do all the unconscious thinking that we don't even know we're doing.
I am amazed now that I am able to think consciously about my abuse and my survivor issues how much I've already thought about it. Does that sound bizarre? Maybe. It TOTALLY makes sense to me!
I'm hoping by watching and researching Angela Shelton that I can wield my sword. I found it and took it out. OUCH! But after the initial pain (which was not as bad as a hyped it up to be in my mind) WHOA the freedom!
(so again here I reach the point where I am total overwhelmed inside. I have all these emotions/thoughts/feelings that are just pressing up. I must figure out what to do when I get here. They stop me. FYI: i'm trying this kind of writing to maybe break it, but it's not working. ARGHHHH!)
Squishes to me for getting this far! YOU ROCK, DI!
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Finding Angela Shelton--the Book
Wow.
The book has a lot of the movie in it, but more behind the scenes, more of Angela's thoughts and fears.
I'm still digesting. I do have to say that I am amazed that Angela was able to speak out. She shares her thoughts -- some thoughts I've had myself and swore I would never share because I thought I was crazy. When Angela says them, though, she didnt sound crazy. I totally identified.
I have also had the thoughts that maybe nothing did happen. Maybe it was childhood imagination (although where that would come from, who knows). Since I've been really thinking and trying to write or talk out what happened to me, I have discovered there are things I can't remember, but know happened. Now, to me that sounds stupid or crazy. But it's not. It just is. I know that I know.
What I got from the book is that I don't have to remember every detail. WHAT A FREAKIN' RELIEF. Other tahn Angela's videos , there is no manual for this stuff. I don't really need to know the details. I don't really want to know any more. What I do remember is enough, thank you very much.
It was very cathartic to read someone else's thoughts and journey. The silence binds us...keeps the secrets tight and in an angry, black ball inside. When we speak, it's scary, it hurts, it's humongous. But..
it's better. I swear to you, it gets better. And after even just one or two times, it's better. It's out there, in the world, shared with others. The burden is lessened. I don't understand why. I thought I had to keep it bound and safe and away from everyone else. NOPE!
If Angela's words helped me, maybe mine can help someone else. Share? Somebody else will know? (hearing that voice whispering...don't tell don't tell) YES! And the world didn't end, and I'm still alive.
THERE IS NO SHAME! Even if your body responded. Even if for one nanosecond you enjoyed the attention. THERE IS NO SHAME!
You are NOT your abuse. Your abuse happened to you. Just like you tripped and fell. Just an incident. It does not have to define you. Yes, I know it affects us and we are forever changed. WE decide what that change is. WE decide what we do with our experiences.
What are you going to do with your experience?
The book has a lot of the movie in it, but more behind the scenes, more of Angela's thoughts and fears.
I'm still digesting. I do have to say that I am amazed that Angela was able to speak out. She shares her thoughts -- some thoughts I've had myself and swore I would never share because I thought I was crazy. When Angela says them, though, she didnt sound crazy. I totally identified.
I have also had the thoughts that maybe nothing did happen. Maybe it was childhood imagination (although where that would come from, who knows). Since I've been really thinking and trying to write or talk out what happened to me, I have discovered there are things I can't remember, but know happened. Now, to me that sounds stupid or crazy. But it's not. It just is. I know that I know.
What I got from the book is that I don't have to remember every detail. WHAT A FREAKIN' RELIEF. Other tahn Angela's videos , there is no manual for this stuff. I don't really need to know the details. I don't really want to know any more. What I do remember is enough, thank you very much.
It was very cathartic to read someone else's thoughts and journey. The silence binds us...keeps the secrets tight and in an angry, black ball inside. When we speak, it's scary, it hurts, it's humongous. But..
it's better. I swear to you, it gets better. And after even just one or two times, it's better. It's out there, in the world, shared with others. The burden is lessened. I don't understand why. I thought I had to keep it bound and safe and away from everyone else. NOPE!
If Angela's words helped me, maybe mine can help someone else. Share? Somebody else will know? (hearing that voice whispering...don't tell don't tell) YES! And the world didn't end, and I'm still alive.
THERE IS NO SHAME! Even if your body responded. Even if for one nanosecond you enjoyed the attention. THERE IS NO SHAME!
You are NOT your abuse. Your abuse happened to you. Just like you tripped and fell. Just an incident. It does not have to define you. Yes, I know it affects us and we are forever changed. WE decide what that change is. WE decide what we do with our experiences.
What are you going to do with your experience?
Saturday, March 29, 2008
My Own Joy Police
Sometimes i'm my own joy police--at times, the joy senate.
I don't know anyone else who can tear me down faster than I can. My most proliferate guests (every new insult breeds another and another and they just multiply on and on) in my head are Mr. and Mrs. Rote. you're not good enough, no one likes you, you shouldn't be here, waste of space...STOP!
I'm tired of the visiting Rotes. I want the Joy Family and all their relatives to move in and clean out the "house." I want to hear you're a goddess, the world is so much better with you in it, you are kind and gentle, compassionate, fierce, a force to be reckoned, goddess of the universe!
I've invited them over a few times, more often in the recent months. I like them. When they're here and even when they leave, I feel happy and content and like I'm supposed to be here.
I think I'll invite them to move in permanently.
(teehee...just had a visual of the Joy's holding the Rotes by their collars and tossing them out unceremoniously!)
I don't know anyone else who can tear me down faster than I can. My most proliferate guests (every new insult breeds another and another and they just multiply on and on) in my head are Mr. and Mrs. Rote. you're not good enough, no one likes you, you shouldn't be here, waste of space...STOP!
I'm tired of the visiting Rotes. I want the Joy Family and all their relatives to move in and clean out the "house." I want to hear you're a goddess, the world is so much better with you in it, you are kind and gentle, compassionate, fierce, a force to be reckoned, goddess of the universe!
I've invited them over a few times, more often in the recent months. I like them. When they're here and even when they leave, I feel happy and content and like I'm supposed to be here.
I think I'll invite them to move in permanently.
(teehee...just had a visual of the Joy's holding the Rotes by their collars and tossing them out unceremoniously!)
Friday, March 21, 2008
Positive Steps
I feel a little down today. When I get in these places, I ask myself, "What is better in my life since thinking, dreaming, talking, feeling, blogging, speaking about my story?"
A LOT, baby!
The fact that I'm typing this is a positive.
I am thinking about things I want to do for myself.
I am imagining that I can make a difference AND that maybe I WILL do something.
I am planning times to think about how my life is different, how I can make it different.
I am reaching out to others.
I feel a part of a group of women who are just wanting to make things better for other women.
How freakin' cool is that.?!?!
No sniping, no gossiping, just :
Hey, how are you?
What are you doing?
That's great!
You rock!
Go girl!
You can do it.
We're behind you.
What about this? What about that?
Hey, can you help?
Hey, can I help?
I'm going to empower you to be a leader.
Your FABULOUS! BEAUTIFUL! POWERFUL! A GODDESS!
I feel alive.
It's ok to share.
I can cry and I will stop.
I can be angry and I can stop being angry. It wont' last forever.
I feel hopeful.
I can affect change.
I AM ME and I AM OK and I AM BETTER THANK OK.
(rubbing hands together) Where to start...where to start...
(SMILING)
A LOT, baby!
The fact that I'm typing this is a positive.
I am thinking about things I want to do for myself.
I am imagining that I can make a difference AND that maybe I WILL do something.
I am planning times to think about how my life is different, how I can make it different.
I am reaching out to others.
I feel a part of a group of women who are just wanting to make things better for other women.
How freakin' cool is that.?!?!
No sniping, no gossiping, just :
Hey, how are you?
What are you doing?
That's great!
You rock!
Go girl!
You can do it.
We're behind you.
What about this? What about that?
Hey, can you help?
Hey, can I help?
I'm going to empower you to be a leader.
Your FABULOUS! BEAUTIFUL! POWERFUL! A GODDESS!
I feel alive.
It's ok to share.
I can cry and I will stop.
I can be angry and I can stop being angry. It wont' last forever.
I feel hopeful.
I can affect change.
I AM ME and I AM OK and I AM BETTER THANK OK.
(rubbing hands together) Where to start...where to start...
(SMILING)
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Another Part
part one is here: http://isurvivedintact.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-remember.html
My story is sounds and shadows
Breaths, sighs, moans
quiet, secretive
A figure watching in the dark
above my bed, in the corner, in the doorway
No physical pain
just an internal folding in
constant and necessary and silent
I became four
--angry
--hopeless
--sadness
--wee one
Each part needed for survival
each part allowed me to keep the whole
separate but united in one cause
keep us safe
*i have to stop here for now*
My story is sounds and shadows
Breaths, sighs, moans
quiet, secretive
A figure watching in the dark
above my bed, in the corner, in the doorway
No physical pain
just an internal folding in
constant and necessary and silent
I became four
--angry
--hopeless
--sadness
--wee one
Each part needed for survival
each part allowed me to keep the whole
separate but united in one cause
keep us safe
*i have to stop here for now*
Monday, March 3, 2008
Blog Your Sword Out
(copied from the Georgia Group..thought it beared **is that the right word???** repeating)
Angela recently had a teleconference where she shared that we should all create a blog to tell our stories. I actually started mine about 8 months ago after watching one of her videos about telling your story any way you can.
What I found is that telling the story is, of course, hard at first, but it gets easy and amazingly, the pain and terror goes away after awhile. This TOTALLY amazed me and still does.
I have not told my whole story, yet. I started with one portion because that is what I was able to share at the time. For me, I go slowly and take time. I'm working (in my head) on the next part. I struggle because I have trouble recalling my childhood. Some things are crystal clear and others are murky. I do know what happened to me, but putting it into words or images is what I struggle with.
However, now that I've got the ball rolling, it's coming along nicely, in my opinion.
So, start a blog. Go to http://www.blogspot.com/ and create one. Just anything. Try not to get caught up in anything fancy. If, right now, telling your story is one sentence, then DO IT! A start is a start. Many times the first words are the hardest.
One other thing Angela shared is that we should stop comparing ourselves to others. I am notorious for doing that. "Oh, she writes better than me." "I can't do that." "She's special."
Well, I can do anything. I write just fine, and there is no one, NO ONE, else who can tell my story better than me!
WRITE WRITE WRITE
Angela recently had a teleconference where she shared that we should all create a blog to tell our stories. I actually started mine about 8 months ago after watching one of her videos about telling your story any way you can.
What I found is that telling the story is, of course, hard at first, but it gets easy and amazingly, the pain and terror goes away after awhile. This TOTALLY amazed me and still does.
I have not told my whole story, yet. I started with one portion because that is what I was able to share at the time. For me, I go slowly and take time. I'm working (in my head) on the next part. I struggle because I have trouble recalling my childhood. Some things are crystal clear and others are murky. I do know what happened to me, but putting it into words or images is what I struggle with.
However, now that I've got the ball rolling, it's coming along nicely, in my opinion.
So, start a blog. Go to http://www.blogspot.com/ and create one. Just anything. Try not to get caught up in anything fancy. If, right now, telling your story is one sentence, then DO IT! A start is a start. Many times the first words are the hardest.
One other thing Angela shared is that we should stop comparing ourselves to others. I am notorious for doing that. "Oh, she writes better than me." "I can't do that." "She's special."
Well, I can do anything. I write just fine, and there is no one, NO ONE, else who can tell my story better than me!
WRITE WRITE WRITE
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Rape? or just close your legs....
This totally made me angry. While it may be true that women need to be more aware and take more responsibility for themselves, I truly feel that most of us don't truly understand what sexual assault is.
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/sunday/commentary/la-op-mac_donal...
Case in point: I wanted to report something on the Report It! site before I sent it out to others (from my childhood). I wanted to see what it was and do it for myself. What I realized in reporting my one thing is that I had three other incidents. I read all of the choices that were on the page and thought, "THAT is sexual assault?!" I asked my partner about two other things that had happened, and she said, "Well, yeah. That is definitely sexual assault!"
I came up with one more thing -- a total of four incidents I reported. I had to stop at that point from sheer amazement and horror at what I didn't know had happened to me. (If you've read my blog...again, it wasn't that bad....it was that bad.)
As women we often hear we are overreacting.. no wonder so many things are unreported. It's not just fear or shame....it's that many of us don't even realize we've been assaulted. (I tried to find a word to fit what I was thinking, but my mind just blinked).
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/sunday/commentary/la-op-mac_donal...
Case in point: I wanted to report something on the Report It! site before I sent it out to others (from my childhood). I wanted to see what it was and do it for myself. What I realized in reporting my one thing is that I had three other incidents. I read all of the choices that were on the page and thought, "THAT is sexual assault?!" I asked my partner about two other things that had happened, and she said, "Well, yeah. That is definitely sexual assault!"
I came up with one more thing -- a total of four incidents I reported. I had to stop at that point from sheer amazement and horror at what I didn't know had happened to me. (If you've read my blog...again, it wasn't that bad....it was that bad.)
As women we often hear we are overreacting.. no wonder so many things are unreported. It's not just fear or shame....it's that many of us don't even realize we've been assaulted. (I tried to find a word to fit what I was thinking, but my mind just blinked).
Thursday, February 28, 2008
homework and angels?
Angela said to create a blog. tell our story.
i don't think she realized she already "asked" me months ago
during one of her videos.
something she said..seemed right to me
it seemed like the right time
like someone who knew what I'd been through was saying
yes, do it, why not, you should, it's helpful, it's okay
it's okay
how i've longed to hear it's okay
i've just now come to realize that "I" can say it's okay
and
.....it's okay
So, I have a "poem" I wrote about a minute piece of my story
way at the beginning of this blog
i wrote it
it was raw
painful
i believe it was my sword being removed
i re-read it
it was raw
but a little less painful
i re-read it
i was tender
i felt just a little pain
it was okay
i was okay
i am okay
i printed it
read it to my therapist
finally mailed it to angela
it no longer solely resides in me
it is out there in the world
i am no longer solely inside of me
i am out there in the world
i am okay
...and...i may be an angel
i don't think she realized she already "asked" me months ago
during one of her videos.
something she said..seemed right to me
it seemed like the right time
like someone who knew what I'd been through was saying
yes, do it, why not, you should, it's helpful, it's okay
it's okay
how i've longed to hear it's okay
i've just now come to realize that "I" can say it's okay
and
.....it's okay
So, I have a "poem" I wrote about a minute piece of my story
way at the beginning of this blog
i wrote it
it was raw
painful
i believe it was my sword being removed
i re-read it
it was raw
but a little less painful
i re-read it
i was tender
i felt just a little pain
it was okay
i was okay
i am okay
i printed it
read it to my therapist
finally mailed it to angela
it no longer solely resides in me
it is out there in the world
i am no longer solely inside of me
i am out there in the world
i am okay
...and...i may be an angel
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