Dear Mr. Obama...please

• Please be the change you say you are going to be.
• Please be the best man you can be for the job. If you stay true to what you say now, I will support you.
• Please understand that you a new group of Americans are watching you and hoping.
• Please understand that you have somehow instilled in me hope and a desire to care about this election.
• Please treat my hope/desire with extra kid gloves. It is new and shiny and easily broken. I'm willing to work with the change -- if it's really there.
• Please don't let Washington corrupt you.
• When you get to that first small decision where you can either compromise yourself and go easy or you can stick to your ideals and have a difficult road, PLEASE take the difficult road.
• Please be the leader for America that we need -- someone honest, forthright, for the people, who serves the people...as a govt official should.
• Please keep an eye out for the children and the perps who prey on them. Hear us cry out for justice and a forum and then give it to us.
• Please get rid of the corrupt and self-serving people who do not care what I want or need.
• Please, even if you don't believe in abortion, continue to fight for my right to have control of my own body. I didn't have it for awhile, and now I am not going to let go of that control without a loud and vicious fight.
• Please understand that by fighting for our rights over our own body this includes reproductive health and contraception accessibility -- for all women.
• Please, please don't let me down.

Fur Persons

We lost the last of our fur persons Thursday night.

--sniff--

i loved those animals

lady tiffany whatzit misty

they never wanted anything from me but a hello and a pet or a scratch

they were happy to see me because it i was me

no more fur persons

i have a big gaping hole that i'll need to fill

i still hear them and look for them

i hope the rainbow bridge is real:
http://www.petloss.com/poems/maingrp/rainbowb.htm

the bridge is the one thing that makes it bearable for my inner kid

...d'ya think they found each other?
...are they playing together?
...do they miss me?
...will they remember me?
...are they happy and in no pain?
...is jesus feeding them? lady likes milk bones!
...are they being petted by angels?
...did god tell everyone where the best scratch spot is for each one?

i took for granted the comfort they gave
i notice it now that they are gone
i could scream for just one more doggy sigh tail wag or kitty purr

godspeed my fur persons

Update

This is the wonderful time of the year for health care annual enrollments. Since I work for a healthcare company, I've been working a lot of hours and trying to keep my head above water.

I need to work on my expectations of others. People disappoint me ... a lot. I am pretty sure I'm part of the problem, but man, it's a bummer.

I want consistency.

I want to eat anything I want and stay healthy.

I want to win the lottery, but don't want anyone to know.

I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle.

I want to bake again.

I want to provide opportunities from young girls/women to attend Camp CADI and learn to heal before too much damage is done.

I want a president who doesn't have a forked tongue.

I want Barak Obama to truly be the change he professes to be.

I want the mint chocolate atomic cake i had when i turned 16.

I want to give my partner everything she's ever wanted.

I want my partner to storm the world with her creative and beautiful photographs.

I want to create...pictures, photos, paintings, art...just create and create and create.

I want to be the change.

I want to run again..just for me and not let anyone deter me.

I want a country where no one goes hungry.

I want all the people who commit genocide to simply disappear.

I want women to be respected and honored.

it feels this way

i feel like everyone wants something
but no one cares what i want
i'm asked what i want
but no one hears
i think

it feels that way

i feel like i give and give
and people take and take
and want more and then take offense
when i balk
but no one sees it as i do
i think

it feels this way

i feel like i reached my limit
i have nothing to give right now
i don't want to give right now
i need people to hear this
they aren't listening
i think

it feels this way

More Good Things

I received an email to a volunteer organization that I've been waiting for and I'm going to go.

Someone told me I was too pretty to pick. I actually believed it and stopped for a whole day.

I received a lovely digital photo frame and decided that at least 25% of the pictures would be of me.

(this is huge. there are few pics of me in the world. i'm sure most of you would understand)

I've decided if I'm going to be in the world that I'm going to BE in it. I was struggling with "seeing" myself. So the frame is at my work and I see pics of me all day long.

Me at my best , worst, thinnest, fattest, sweatiest, and smilingest! It is slightly surreal to look at myself. It's like getting used to a stranger. I'm not judging just "seeing."

It's like umm reintroducing myself to.... myself. (it makes sense to me)

I look like i look and it's me. I'm enough. I'm here. I exist.

F'in cool....

Healing Through Creativity -- maybe

http://www.healingthroughcreativity.org/.
**from Joanna's blog: http://jdoane.blogspot.com/"

I want to send something. I want to send my I Remember "poem".
I wonder if anyone will read it?
Would I read it?
Yup
Do I send it? Am I supposed to? Why not?
Thoughts are bouncing around like mad.
Interesting.

I want to send something that is beautiful and poignant and powerful and, most importantly, uplifting.

It has to be....... SOMETHING.....

Maybe I need to add a bit on the end.
Maybe I need to do an additional poem.
Maybe ... maybe... maybe...

Sigh...

Hmmm the fact that I am even considering something is pretty darn cool.
I have a while to think about it.

Maybe I'll create a presentation of writings
Maybe...

Maybe a board of here is what I did before (listing all the destructive things)
then maybe some things i'm working on giving up
then maybe the things I've given up
and then the things I'm doing now (report it, army of angels, speaking out, writing, blogging, photography, art, activism)

(wow. "I" think that's cool! lol)

wonder if anyone else would....

maybe

Return to the Scene of the Emancipation

I'm on vacation this week and I went to the library
and got four books
(from Rosie's book list..thought I'd try them)

On the way home, I passed by Marietta Square
where I did the one-woman Report It Demonstration

I parked, grabbed a book, and got out and walked around the Square
I stopped by the ice cream shop and bought
a frozen pink lemonade ... yummy!
I walked by the spot where I stood and shook my world
and thought...
This is where IT HAPPENED!

I smiled inside and I smiled outside.

I went and sat down by a bench and drank in the sun and
beautiful weather and my frozen concoction
and began reading, "Can't Wait to Get to Heaven" by Fannie Flagg
(she is so funny)

I was there for about an hour
I was in the world
I didn't worry
I didn't obsess about who was watching me or walking by

I just read and sipped and breathed and existed

grin

Bright Days and Gray Days

you know how when you are in a movie theater and when you come out and it's sunny, the sun is so bright it hurts your eyes and you cover them immediately?

this is how life after removing the sword of trauma and trying to live can feel

Some days i see bright blues and yellows and feel like i can take on the world and it feels good

and other days... sigh...

i take a step and the "brightness" of living hits me smack dab in the eyes
my first inclination is to throw up my hands
WHOA! STOP! Ouch! Too Much!

i used to have blinders on, never seeing beyond the fact that i was abused
now the blinders are removed...gone for good
(they don't sorta go away; once you remove them, byebye)

it used to be so much easier when I could pull out the blinders and put them on
to sit and eat or whatever and hide
i can't find them now, but i still struggle with wanting them back

every so often I get stuck in the grayness between victim and thriver
i think i'm there right now
which is why i am blogging about it
often blogging helps me move on
we'll see

deep breath
squaring of shoulders
i am NOT defined by my abuse
gray is just another color
don't judge it
just let it be
acknowledge it
let it go
move on
and know that bright days are just around the corner
and worth experiencing a little gray for

To the Big People Out There

This is to all the big people out there -- like me. The fat people -- like me. We who say, "as soon as I lose some weight, I will .................... (insert anything here)."

Stop waiting! Being [insert your label] should not preclude your living life. It's an excuse. I've used it over and over again for years. Doesn't mean I don't want to address it -- just means I will no longer use my weight as a crutch. At the beginning of Angela's personal journey, she was still smoking.

I'm done. Goodbye Fat Excuse! Thanks for the use, but I am letting you go.

I was thinking the same ole same old the other day: "I'm too fat; they'll laugh at me; they'll think I'm not healing because I haven't lost weight, etc. " And then had a new thought:

"How many other big/fat people are out there saying the same thing?"

I would look at Angela Shelton and think it was easier for her. She's so pretty. She's so thin. She's an actress. Everything probably comes easier to her. People will be able to hear her because she's thin.

How presumptive! How dismissive! How arrogant! (I forgive me.)

Well, I bet there are as many "Me's" as there are Angela Shelton's. How many other women are waiting for someone like them to speak up? I was. And then I thought: "Well, why not me? What if I'm the fat Angela Shelton?" (okay, that cracked me up...but I digress).

AM I KIDDING? ME?!

Sure! Why not me? Be the change I want to see. I want to see big/fat people taking a stand, too. Speaking out. Being large warrior goddesses! Why not?

As I learned over and over again on my "Angela Journey," it just takes one person speaking up and speaking the truth for one other person to hear it, identify with it, and to begin speaking their truth. (think of the 70s Breck Shampoo commercial: she told two friends and she told two friends and so on and so on and so on...)

If right now, you are hearing all your "rotes" (those voices inside that beat you down), STOP THEM. Say this out loud or in your head:

I am worth healing.
I am worth loving.
I am worth being loved.
I love me.
SQUISH! (really. Say squish -- it's the best word in the world!)

Drink them in. Try them on for size. Roll them around on your tongue or in your mind. Feel their power. Believe in the possibility that they are truth. I believe you are worth it!

Recently, for the first time in my 43 years, I was able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror (YES THE MIRROR), and say "Squish! I love you, Diana." The kicker? I believed it.

(pause to reflect. drink. try. roll. feel. believe. smile)

I found something important enough to push me over the edge. What a way to put it, but that's it. I went over the edge of surviving into living. Oh yeah, it's a little scary. It's quite a bit uncomfortable for the time being -- but I LIKE it!

I put myself out there. The world didn't end. The sky didn't fall. No one "got" me. My skin didn't burn off. I did not explode. I did not collapse from the weight of what happened. The blackness did not consume me. I did not disappear or disintegrate. I did not turn into red hot rage.

I triumphed! I am now out there in the world, and I am okay. I am fat. I am alive. I have possibilities.

I
AM
A
BIG OL'
WARRIOR
GODDESS!

(**disclaimer. you may find that once you start speaking the truth and feeling your feelings, food doesn't hold the same power. food doesn't temporarily fill whatever if it did before. in fact, speaking your truth and sharing your story may eventually be the best diet in the world. imagine that. believe the possibility.)

Granny Bebop -- She Found Her Voice

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=piStMvsz8Q4&feature=related

"I found my voice. It may not be pretty. It may not be sweet. But it's mine!"

More Report It Videos!

Jennifer from New York
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=yM3bDIFD9m0

Diane from Ohio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvvblU2h3zg

Dorothy from Seattle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmIqk-1rUVc

Vanessa (i think from Ontario)
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=UjdAgZRf8po

Report It Now 2008 Georgia

I did it. I'll be blogging about the experience soon. Here is the video I made. It is way condensed. The last page sometimes doesn't show. Can't figure that out. www.reportitnow.org

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Amvrf_dApT8