random thoughts

i'm struggling with some personal issues. just saying.

working on april events

being asked to go above and beyond the cosmos for work

eating eating eating and waiting to stop and realize i'm waiting for myself

i'm a little angry that food isn't working as it did and that i'm still eating.

if i'm going to eat, i want the satisfaction (stomping feet) or at least the fog.

how to i free the one thing i hid and protected all those years ago

do i want to. no. do i need to. i think so

terror OY VEY deep breath

this part of me, the kernel i call it, is so protected that i can't even access it at the moment. it's the me that looked down from the ceiling, the me that was before the silence, the me that is me that i refused to let anyone have, ruin, destroy

it is what i am and i'm still not going to let anyone tarnish or corrupt it

how do i protect all that i am and still share who i am with myself and others

i hope i find the answer while there's time left to reap the benefits

mineminemine
protect fists up
fierce growl determination unmovable
folding in wrapping up in silence anger fear self preservation
protection like fort knox with a treasure more precious than anything on this earth

mine me I

crossroads , part 2

i'm really good at the words. i know what they should be.

it's a lot harder to move the words into action.

why??????????????????????????/

i'm still afraid. not sure why. too deep at this time. sigh

i just want to eat. but now, eating isn't giving me what it did before. i have to be honest: this SUCKS BIG ARTICHOKE HEARTS blech.

so i'm left with me. i'm still eating, still doing the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

it's kind of crazy, ya know? eating M&Ms and expecting my problems to be solved. That would be quite a powerful little red piece of candy now wouldn't it....

but i WAAAAAAANT it to work. i like it, it tastes good, and it's easy. i would so be fat for the rest of my life if eating candy and pizza worked. alas,,,,

my block, i think, for changing basic "me" is that i'm afraid, chicken! BOK! BOK! i'm afraid to start because I'll fail. fear. i'm afraid to take on things, because what if i mess up. fear. argh!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just want the pizza to work. i really do. sigh. i know it can't, but WHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?! ---that's my inner child talking

i'm about to attempt something huge
if i'm honest, i don't think i can do it
i don't see anything in my history that says i can do this and maintain it
yes, i'm afraid
but what i'm doing now is not working and i do want "me" to work

oy

i'm afraid. owning it. trying to stay afloat in the washes of fear that roll over me at various times throughout the day. ever try to swim in your fear? i'm sure i'm not the only one. it's murky, cold, solitary, deep, black-hole-ish, icky poo poo

"me" says RUN HIDE DON'T DO IT ALL WILL BE LOST NEVER TO GET BACK RUN CURL INTO BALL JUST LET WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPEN

blowing through thumbs to make hands big, grabbing "me" and gently pushing it back down, while trying to communicate love and caring, but strength and "this is the way it's got to be so get on board" thoughts

empty cart?

i was shopping the other day and was almost done and looked in my cart, which was 1/2full at least and thought....

there's no food in here; what am i going to eat?

some of the items in cart:
lunchmeat, bread, lettuce, fixings for chili, crackers, ground turkey breast, etc.

so there was plenty to eat

i asked myself....

what about all this food?
what food?
all THIS food?
well, yeah, but...
but....
you have to cook this

alrighty then

i asked myself how am i feeling...

couldn't answer in that moment

going to try to always ask and answer this question going forward
will it help?
dunno

onward...

Owning my inner Angel

I have to own the following things:

I am making a difference
I am healing
I am thriving
I am reaching out
I am worth the effort
I am healing
I am helping others
I am strong
I am brave
I am doing things I've never even dreamed I could think about doing

YAY ME!

Changing and a Crossroad

How do you change something in yourself that is so ingrained that you don't even know you're doing it until someone you love has to hit you over the head with it repeatedly until the lightbulb goes on?

sigh

Some of the changes I'm making are easy, some not bad, some hard, some really hard, and some I can't even figure out how to do and I know it's going to be killer.

Welcome to the killer.
How do I do what I'm going to say I'm going to do and follow through? I never think I'm not going to do something. It is always my intent. I'm learning intent is a nice to hear, but actions still speak louder than words. I am not pleased with this about myself. I hate it. I don't hate me anymore, and I refuse to go back to that place. However, I do NOT like this thing about myself.

I now see it. Big deal, Di. Whachagonnadowithit?!?!

Look to the therapist? It still comes back to me. argh.
Blog about it? It still comes back to me.

I MUST become more present on a daily and hourly and minute by minute basis. I think this has to be the starting point for me. This must be a big lesson because I keep having to deal with it over and over. Be in the world, Diana. Be a part. Share yourself and let others in that are safe...all the way in. I have the best example and I'm squandering it.

DON'T YOU DO IT DIANA. DON'T YOU DO IT.

Looking left
Looking right
Looking straight
Where to go
How to get there and STAY there and THRIVE there

I know what I have to do. It's hard and I'm afraid. Okay, come one woman! you stood on a corner in marietta,georgia alone and broke the silence and then posted a video on youtube. You've shown you have the strength to you and others over and over. Feel it. Own it. Move into a better place with it. I'm afraid. Be brave. Being brave doesn't mean you're not afraid, just that you can still act in spite of being afraid. Own the fear and move with it.

Don't give up if one thing doesn't work. Try something else. and then something else. Don't stop until you find how it gets better for you and those you love. KEEP GOING KEEP GOING NEVER STOP LEARN GROW SHARE. Be what you can be. What you've actually seen glimpses of. Be what you can be so you can be a partner and a friend.

Be you, Diana, and be strong. You're worth it and so is she.

Army of Angels 24 Hr Blogathon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Friday, Jan 9th, Army of Angels manager, Joanna Doane, will be blogging 24 hrs straight in order to raise money for Angela Shelton's Army of Angels. This national advocacy group works to raise awareness about the silent epidemic of abuse and trauma that plagues our nation in order to prevent it from spreading into the lives of another woman, man, child, or family. They're growing in numbers and teaming up with organizations who share their vision of living in a joyful world.

Starting at 8 am on the morning of January 9th Joanna will be posting a blog every half hour for a consecutive 24 hours straight! She is seeking donations for sponsorships either on a per hour basis or for a lump sum. This idea is similar to walk-a-thons where individuals are sponsored per mile walked in order to raise money for various causes. Only, with blogathons, money is raised per hour spent blogging.

So please join her on the 9th/10th at www.24hrarmy.wordpress.com. You may sign up to sponsor her there by filling out the form provided.
I SPONSORED .50 per blog posting

my body

ack. just typing the title of this posting makes me uncomfortable.

Read a good post on Army of Angels: http://www.armyofangels.net/2008/12/get-allies-in-your-healing.html

It left me feeling vaguely unsettled and thinking, Do I haaaaaaaaave to? I don't have to do anything, but I'm thinking owning and taking care of my body is going to be a part of my healing.

blech.

I'm fairly disconnected from my body. I have pains most of the time and I pretty much just note it and move along.

How do I honor my body?
What does that mean?
I don't really want to know.
I guess.
Shouldn't I want to know? (who's asking that?)
I guess I do.
Ack.

I also watched the Blip video of Angela and friends doing "All the Single Ladies":
http://blip.tv/file/1606846 (danny, kimleigh, and angela)

I cannot ever imagine doing that.
Kimleigh seems to know her body. She seems in tune with it.

What does it mean to be aware of your body?
And, once you're aware, what the heck are you supposed to do with it?!??

oy

Army of Angels Conference Information!

http://www.eventbrite.com/event/223331992/emailinvite/?invite=OTMxNTIvZGlqb2U4MTY5OEBzd3ZhLm5ldC8x%0A

Here is the Agenda:

March 13, 20096:15pm Welcome Dinner – Showing of Video, Transition to Survivor
7:00pm Introductions of Angels/Activity
7:45pm “Angela Shelton Found Me”

Play written by Angela Shelton, directed by Dorothy Lemault, performed by “Angels”
*Discussion of play with snacks and refreshments to follow

March 14, 2009
9:00am-10:30am Angela Rose - Organizing Your Community - Grassroots Action to Shatter The Silence of Sexual Violence and building the national movement

Founder & Executive Director of PAVE: Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment, Angela Rose is a national leader in the movement to shatter the silence of sexual violence. After over a decade of battling the myths and ongoing incidents of sexual assault, Angela has become a valued educator in survivor empowerment and violence prevention. Through PAVE, Angela has trained fraternities and sororities in sexual assault prevention, produced a documentary entitled “Transition to Survivor,” and founded Men Opposing Sexual Assault, a group that highlights the importance of men in the anti-sexual assault movement. She staged a national protest regarding the silencing of sexual assault victims in court that was covered on CNN and the Today Show.

10:30am – 10:45am Break

10:45am – 12:00pm Meagan Poole *TBA
Meghan is a student at Murray State University and believes that everyone has the power to make a difference, and enjoys working alongside several amazing local and national organizations such as Security on Campus, Merryman House Domestic Crisis Center, and the Purchase Area Sexual Assault Center.

12:00pm – 1:00pm Catered Lunch

1:00pm – 2:15pm Wendy Murphy - Legal Issues/Sexual Assault/Advocacy
An ex-prosecutor who specialized in child abuse and sex crimes cases. The first lawyer in the country to run a program to provide free legal services to crime victims, Wendy has been fighting for victims' rights for twenty years. As an adjunct professor, she also manages the Sexual Violence Legal News and Judicial Language projects at her law school and consults with crime victims across the country to help them achieve justice. Wendy has worked as a legal analyst for CBS News, CNN, Fox News and MSNBC. She appears regularly on cable and network news programs to provide commentary on legal news stories. And Justice For Some is her first book.

2:15pm – 2:30pm Break

2:30pm – 4:15pm Healing/Inspiration Therapy *TBA

4:15pm - 4:30pm Break

4:30pm – 5:15pm Diann Diaz - Raising the Volume - Making it Loud and Clear!
In this presentation, Diann will prepare Team Leaders with the skills and knowledge of building awareness in each state. As we all know, there can never be enough education. If you are not a Team Leader, now is the time to sign up or join a team! Diann is known for her emergency advocacy in the hospitals and police stations for the victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. Diann is also called upon to speak at local colleges and universities regarding sexual assault. You will also find her at conferences across the state of Virginia speaking on topics such as, “Domestic Abuse Victims – Why Do they Stay” and “Protect and Serve…What it Can Also Mean”. Diann Diaz is a National Ambassador FoRe! Ending Domestic-Sexual abuse, survivor of childhood sexual assault, advocate for victims, educator in the community on violence prevention, and an upcoming author.

5:15 – 6:00 Catered Dinner

6:00 – 7:30 Kimleigh Smith - T.O.T.A.L.L.Y Performance & Discussion
kimleigh inspires audiences through her hilarious and honest story to embrace their inner superheroes and find the strength to move forward no matter what. Kimleigh beautifully portrays herself as a 17-year-old innocent virgin rushing back from cheerleading for the winning football team. She is convinced that she is going to get the quarterback as her boyfriend only to be gang raped by him and two of his friends. Kimleigh, like many rape survivors, suppresses the rage and heartbreak from the attack and goes back to “life as usual” only to be faced with her legs and genitals becoming paralyzed for years! Watch Kimleigh perform her powerful one hour theater piece, taking the audience through a journey that is totally uplifting, totally heartbreaking, and totally powerful. T.O.T.A.L.L.Y!

7:30 – 7:45 Break

7:45 – 9:15 Angela Shelton - Removing the Sword of Trauma
In this powerful presentation, Angela shares her concept of trauma being similar to being pierced with a sword. She takes you through the process of acknowledging it, removing it, and then using the sword in your life as a warrior instead of a victim.

Releasing my Joy

When I was 17, I was at a party at a friend's house. I was sitting on the piano bench next to someone playing and we were singing our hearts out ... Christmas songs. I loved to sing. I felt alive when I sang. For me, singing was from inside me and it was one of the few times I let my inside come out. I adored singing.

(side note... um I can't sing. tone deaf. tin ear. sinus/ear issues, so really, honestly, it was pretty bad)

I heard a comment to my left and looked up and one girl (she was blonde w/blue eyes... I remember the expression of disgust in her eyes) said "Why are you singing? It's horrible." (people can be so cruel) I kept moving my mouth, but no longer singing.

That was the last time I sang for joy. I'm 43 now.

My partner bought a karaoke machine. I find I can no longer sing. I am so repressed in it, I still cannot sing out loud... even sing in the privacy of my home. I hear that girl's voice and I see her eyes. I guess flashbacks come in many forms.

My partner loves to sing... gets so much pleasure out of it. Disappointed that I don't sing with her. (out! out! damn blue-eyed, blonde hairie meanie poo-poo head! be gone!)

It's Christmastime again. I want to sing carols. I want to sing about the birth, candy, grandma and the reindeers and hippopotomuses.

WAIT! I WANT to sing. Even if it's bad. I WANT to sing again. Not being able to sing doesn't take away the joy... the inside coming out. I have that power to let it out, to feel the joy again.

I'm an angel in this army against abuse. Angels sing!

Searching for my Joy this month:
I AM GOING TO SING. OUT LOUD. TO KARAOKE (um in the privacy of my home lol).
I AM GOING TO ENJOY MY PARTNER AND MYSELF.
I WANT MY INSIDE TO BE OUT.
THIS IS HOW I AM GOING TO HEAL.

INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT

inside

out

www.armyofangels.net

glimpsing the light again

ok, i see the light again
far away
but i see it

sigh

i'm glad

this is a local Atlanta station's attempt at something big for our military people. if you think it's cool, pass it around.

The Bert Show's Big Thank You
Last year, Bert Show listeners collected over 350,000 handwritten thank you letters that were sent to every serviceman and servicewoman stationed outside the United States. This year we're going even bigger. The goal of The Bert Show's Big Thank You 2008 is to collect 1,051,200 unique messages by Thanksgiving Day! Each message will be posted on this site, and when we reach our goal, we will have enough messages to display a new flashing one on this site every thirty seconds ... for one entire year! Want to participate? Click on the link below...

www.bigthankyouproject.com

fighting the darkness

i'm struggling to break free of what happened. i realized yesterday that i'm depressed. recognizing is good though, so i can take steps to take care of me and do things that are affirming and yellow (rosie fans will understand this).

i see the promise with barak
i see the hate with prop 8
i see the anger with prop 8
i see people coming together to protest

i see hope
i see despair

i'm focusing on the despair
common survivor junk for me

just waiting on the day when my first reaction is to see the hope



on a side note, is it racist of me to want to just walk up to african americans and hug them?