Changing and a Crossroad

How do you change something in yourself that is so ingrained that you don't even know you're doing it until someone you love has to hit you over the head with it repeatedly until the lightbulb goes on?

sigh

Some of the changes I'm making are easy, some not bad, some hard, some really hard, and some I can't even figure out how to do and I know it's going to be killer.

Welcome to the killer.
How do I do what I'm going to say I'm going to do and follow through? I never think I'm not going to do something. It is always my intent. I'm learning intent is a nice to hear, but actions still speak louder than words. I am not pleased with this about myself. I hate it. I don't hate me anymore, and I refuse to go back to that place. However, I do NOT like this thing about myself.

I now see it. Big deal, Di. Whachagonnadowithit?!?!

Look to the therapist? It still comes back to me. argh.
Blog about it? It still comes back to me.

I MUST become more present on a daily and hourly and minute by minute basis. I think this has to be the starting point for me. This must be a big lesson because I keep having to deal with it over and over. Be in the world, Diana. Be a part. Share yourself and let others in that are safe...all the way in. I have the best example and I'm squandering it.

DON'T YOU DO IT DIANA. DON'T YOU DO IT.

Looking left
Looking right
Looking straight
Where to go
How to get there and STAY there and THRIVE there

I know what I have to do. It's hard and I'm afraid. Okay, come one woman! you stood on a corner in marietta,georgia alone and broke the silence and then posted a video on youtube. You've shown you have the strength to you and others over and over. Feel it. Own it. Move into a better place with it. I'm afraid. Be brave. Being brave doesn't mean you're not afraid, just that you can still act in spite of being afraid. Own the fear and move with it.

Don't give up if one thing doesn't work. Try something else. and then something else. Don't stop until you find how it gets better for you and those you love. KEEP GOING KEEP GOING NEVER STOP LEARN GROW SHARE. Be what you can be. What you've actually seen glimpses of. Be what you can be so you can be a partner and a friend.

Be you, Diana, and be strong. You're worth it and so is she.