crossroads , part 2

i'm really good at the words. i know what they should be.

it's a lot harder to move the words into action.

why??????????????????????????/

i'm still afraid. not sure why. too deep at this time. sigh

i just want to eat. but now, eating isn't giving me what it did before. i have to be honest: this SUCKS BIG ARTICHOKE HEARTS blech.

so i'm left with me. i'm still eating, still doing the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

it's kind of crazy, ya know? eating M&Ms and expecting my problems to be solved. That would be quite a powerful little red piece of candy now wouldn't it....

but i WAAAAAAANT it to work. i like it, it tastes good, and it's easy. i would so be fat for the rest of my life if eating candy and pizza worked. alas,,,,

my block, i think, for changing basic "me" is that i'm afraid, chicken! BOK! BOK! i'm afraid to start because I'll fail. fear. i'm afraid to take on things, because what if i mess up. fear. argh!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just want the pizza to work. i really do. sigh. i know it can't, but WHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?! ---that's my inner child talking

i'm about to attempt something huge
if i'm honest, i don't think i can do it
i don't see anything in my history that says i can do this and maintain it
yes, i'm afraid
but what i'm doing now is not working and i do want "me" to work

oy

i'm afraid. owning it. trying to stay afloat in the washes of fear that roll over me at various times throughout the day. ever try to swim in your fear? i'm sure i'm not the only one. it's murky, cold, solitary, deep, black-hole-ish, icky poo poo

"me" says RUN HIDE DON'T DO IT ALL WILL BE LOST NEVER TO GET BACK RUN CURL INTO BALL JUST LET WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPEN

blowing through thumbs to make hands big, grabbing "me" and gently pushing it back down, while trying to communicate love and caring, but strength and "this is the way it's got to be so get on board" thoughts