So, I finished my first painting today.
One day I'm sure I'll appreciate my work.
For right now, I struggle to not criticize the hell out of it.
At least today I was able to embrace "there are no mistakes."
A painting is a painting is a painting and what I create is perfect.
(I'll just keep telling myself that -- over and over.)

My paint class goals:

how to use each brush
how to mix paint colors
how to get different consistencies/textures from my paint
how to start a painting
how to reach inside of me to find what needs to be painted
how to know when a painting is done


and in the end, I hope to find a bit more of myself amidst all the colors and canvas

Stay Gold

"Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay."

Robert Frost


I want gold to stay.
Believing that gold goes away is the saddest thing.
Surely some gold stays, doesn't it?
What would be the point of being here?
So while the poem is thought-provoking and lovely -- it's only words.
We need to make our own gold stay -- at least as much as we can.

Be your own gold.

joy joy where is my joy
is it at mcdonalds
is it at JC Penny or Lane Bryant
is it within the chocolate bar
the smell of the acrylic paints - is it there

joy joy how do i identify you
for so long i was passive and said, whatever you want
and i was ok 90% of the time
whatever, eh, sure fine

now that i'm wanting my joy
i'm battling the passivity and the absolute utter
lack of regard for what i want

what do I want
the answer to that is where my joy lies
paint, food, sun, company
WHAT!?!!

joy joy wherefore art thou?

paint/emotion palletes

black red yellow orange blue purple green
colors
waiting to come out
nothing does
they're there shouting
i put paint on the palette
and nothing looks like my colors
mixing adding scraping
no

how do you get out of you
what you can't get out
i feel the colors and i can't see them
create them
paint them

akin it to this
anger rage joy happiness love engagement
waiting to come out
sometimes only anger does

they're there shouting
the emotion pallete is blank
stirring introspecting forcing
no

how do you get out of you
what you cant get out
i perceive the emotions are there and I can't feel them
embody them
express them

perhaps it's time for vision bear -- crud

complete

i think i merged with my inner survivor the other day. was talking in therapy and my therapist said something (i can't remember what now), and I felt my inner survivor leaving (she said something that hit my inner core of truth), but then felt her gently snap back (i know this sounds odd).

i felt her, waiting, testing, cautious, but willing to stick round. it was almost indescribable. i felt like she saw the therapist for the first time. felt like i was looking out with a complete self. it was ... unfamiliar, sensitive, interesting, honoring, surprising, and just downright odd.

walked outside and went to get in car and saw "me" in the car window. just sat there a looked at ME for some time. wow.

i feel like she's ready to move on and help me figure out how to continue to heal and live a whole life.

none of these words is close to what happened, but it's all i got at the moment.

i
feel
whole
new
calm

hm

i dont...

want to blog about food
which is why i'm not blogging
sigh

must find other things to take the place of food

title

i realized i spend more time thinking of titles so,,,,I'm just putting title in the title. ;-)

Life has been very busy with all the events I'm working on, which is why posting is sparse.

Yesterday, 4/11, I was at our ChalkFest for Safe Girls. We were out at Centennial Park trying to raise funds. I was speaking to people about surviving and abuse and approaching strangers. I realized toward the end that it is really draining to do this for any length of time. While i'm ok with speaking about it and sharing, I just had no idea how much emotional eneregy it took.

Just typing this, my brain is like, pause! pause! still recharging!....

Anyway, I can appreciate Angela's journey more now than I could two days ago. Wow.

On a positive note: I got to meet an awesome 20 year old who went to the abuse camp I'm supporting. 20 years old, a survivor, and out there in the world talking about it! Yes!(At 20, I was drinking and well other things.)

I also met woman after woman who said, "I'm a survivor too." Said in just a matter of fact way. I just smiled. It was a connection. Yes!


I met a few guys who were just as passionate about the need to help and speak up. One guy was so excited about the camp, he told his daughter who is in college to "get together with all your groups and stuff" and "you need to help this camp." "This stuff is even where we live and people need help." I was blown away. He gave the daughter all the documentation. Yes!


I thought later that I should have said something to him that HE needs to help too. That HE should get out there and help other people. SNAP need to remember this for next time.

I saw teenage girls hang back, but pay absolute attention when some of us were talking. To me, they were shy but were listening intently. Yes!

I saw pre-teens very curious and open. Listening. Engaged. Yes!

I saw myself out there in the world. Speaking up. Breaking the Silence. Being the change I wanted to see. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I've become the person I blogged about. I'm becoming an Angela Shelton. YES!

conference musings

i just spent the weekend with an awesome group of women.

1) angela shelton is just angela shelton
2) ali's voice is even better in person
3) kimleigh is amazing and funny and can dance the socks off anyone out there
4) i totally made an ass of myself in front of dee wallace (maybe I'll explain later)
5) angela rose's smile lights up the room

being with a group of women was simply amazing
i've never experienced any like it
women should come together to celebrate more
i danced and felt my body--for the first time in ... a long time
i danced in a bar
i felt a part of a larger purpose

i'm overwhelmed at my feelings at the moment
will try to get them down after further thought

may you believe you are beautiful and powerful and wonderful in every sense...

di

here we go....

wow. i'm just a busy bee from now until end of april.

army of angels conference Friday (omg friday...gulp)
i'm sure it will be fun
i'm just never comfortable in a group situation
especially a group of women
i can only be me, though

who am I? i'm me! strong warrior angel!
just keep saying just keep saying it
big breath
here we go....

april events for breaking the silence month
all month long
what if i do something wrong
what if one doesn't go well
it's ok it's ok
what we're doing is GOOD GOOD STUFF
if one person is empowered to break their silence
it's worth all the time and effort and yes, even self doubt
big breath
here we go....

just being

do you ever wanna just be?
just sit there and be

no expectations
from others or from yourself

no recriminations
from others or from yourself

it's easy and insidious and well easy

can't really live life if you just be

what do i mean by be...

not relaxing in your presence and being in the moment

nope

more like...

just sitting
staring
not thinking
vegging
nothing hard
nothing wanted
no opinions
no fighting
just blah

i wonder if this is a survivor issue

just wondering

random thoughts

i'm struggling with some personal issues. just saying.

working on april events

being asked to go above and beyond the cosmos for work

eating eating eating and waiting to stop and realize i'm waiting for myself

i'm a little angry that food isn't working as it did and that i'm still eating.

if i'm going to eat, i want the satisfaction (stomping feet) or at least the fog.

how to i free the one thing i hid and protected all those years ago

do i want to. no. do i need to. i think so

terror OY VEY deep breath

this part of me, the kernel i call it, is so protected that i can't even access it at the moment. it's the me that looked down from the ceiling, the me that was before the silence, the me that is me that i refused to let anyone have, ruin, destroy

it is what i am and i'm still not going to let anyone tarnish or corrupt it

how do i protect all that i am and still share who i am with myself and others

i hope i find the answer while there's time left to reap the benefits

mineminemine
protect fists up
fierce growl determination unmovable
folding in wrapping up in silence anger fear self preservation
protection like fort knox with a treasure more precious than anything on this earth

mine me I

crossroads , part 2

i'm really good at the words. i know what they should be.

it's a lot harder to move the words into action.

why??????????????????????????/

i'm still afraid. not sure why. too deep at this time. sigh

i just want to eat. but now, eating isn't giving me what it did before. i have to be honest: this SUCKS BIG ARTICHOKE HEARTS blech.

so i'm left with me. i'm still eating, still doing the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

it's kind of crazy, ya know? eating M&Ms and expecting my problems to be solved. That would be quite a powerful little red piece of candy now wouldn't it....

but i WAAAAAAANT it to work. i like it, it tastes good, and it's easy. i would so be fat for the rest of my life if eating candy and pizza worked. alas,,,,

my block, i think, for changing basic "me" is that i'm afraid, chicken! BOK! BOK! i'm afraid to start because I'll fail. fear. i'm afraid to take on things, because what if i mess up. fear. argh!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just want the pizza to work. i really do. sigh. i know it can't, but WHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?! ---that's my inner child talking

i'm about to attempt something huge
if i'm honest, i don't think i can do it
i don't see anything in my history that says i can do this and maintain it
yes, i'm afraid
but what i'm doing now is not working and i do want "me" to work

oy

i'm afraid. owning it. trying to stay afloat in the washes of fear that roll over me at various times throughout the day. ever try to swim in your fear? i'm sure i'm not the only one. it's murky, cold, solitary, deep, black-hole-ish, icky poo poo

"me" says RUN HIDE DON'T DO IT ALL WILL BE LOST NEVER TO GET BACK RUN CURL INTO BALL JUST LET WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPEN

blowing through thumbs to make hands big, grabbing "me" and gently pushing it back down, while trying to communicate love and caring, but strength and "this is the way it's got to be so get on board" thoughts

empty cart?

i was shopping the other day and was almost done and looked in my cart, which was 1/2full at least and thought....

there's no food in here; what am i going to eat?

some of the items in cart:
lunchmeat, bread, lettuce, fixings for chili, crackers, ground turkey breast, etc.

so there was plenty to eat

i asked myself....

what about all this food?
what food?
all THIS food?
well, yeah, but...
but....
you have to cook this

alrighty then

i asked myself how am i feeling...

couldn't answer in that moment

going to try to always ask and answer this question going forward
will it help?
dunno

onward...

Owning my inner Angel

I have to own the following things:

I am making a difference
I am healing
I am thriving
I am reaching out
I am worth the effort
I am healing
I am helping others
I am strong
I am brave
I am doing things I've never even dreamed I could think about doing

YAY ME!

Changing and a Crossroad

How do you change something in yourself that is so ingrained that you don't even know you're doing it until someone you love has to hit you over the head with it repeatedly until the lightbulb goes on?

sigh

Some of the changes I'm making are easy, some not bad, some hard, some really hard, and some I can't even figure out how to do and I know it's going to be killer.

Welcome to the killer.
How do I do what I'm going to say I'm going to do and follow through? I never think I'm not going to do something. It is always my intent. I'm learning intent is a nice to hear, but actions still speak louder than words. I am not pleased with this about myself. I hate it. I don't hate me anymore, and I refuse to go back to that place. However, I do NOT like this thing about myself.

I now see it. Big deal, Di. Whachagonnadowithit?!?!

Look to the therapist? It still comes back to me. argh.
Blog about it? It still comes back to me.

I MUST become more present on a daily and hourly and minute by minute basis. I think this has to be the starting point for me. This must be a big lesson because I keep having to deal with it over and over. Be in the world, Diana. Be a part. Share yourself and let others in that are safe...all the way in. I have the best example and I'm squandering it.

DON'T YOU DO IT DIANA. DON'T YOU DO IT.

Looking left
Looking right
Looking straight
Where to go
How to get there and STAY there and THRIVE there

I know what I have to do. It's hard and I'm afraid. Okay, come one woman! you stood on a corner in marietta,georgia alone and broke the silence and then posted a video on youtube. You've shown you have the strength to you and others over and over. Feel it. Own it. Move into a better place with it. I'm afraid. Be brave. Being brave doesn't mean you're not afraid, just that you can still act in spite of being afraid. Own the fear and move with it.

Don't give up if one thing doesn't work. Try something else. and then something else. Don't stop until you find how it gets better for you and those you love. KEEP GOING KEEP GOING NEVER STOP LEARN GROW SHARE. Be what you can be. What you've actually seen glimpses of. Be what you can be so you can be a partner and a friend.

Be you, Diana, and be strong. You're worth it and so is she.

Army of Angels 24 Hr Blogathon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Friday, Jan 9th, Army of Angels manager, Joanna Doane, will be blogging 24 hrs straight in order to raise money for Angela Shelton's Army of Angels. This national advocacy group works to raise awareness about the silent epidemic of abuse and trauma that plagues our nation in order to prevent it from spreading into the lives of another woman, man, child, or family. They're growing in numbers and teaming up with organizations who share their vision of living in a joyful world.

Starting at 8 am on the morning of January 9th Joanna will be posting a blog every half hour for a consecutive 24 hours straight! She is seeking donations for sponsorships either on a per hour basis or for a lump sum. This idea is similar to walk-a-thons where individuals are sponsored per mile walked in order to raise money for various causes. Only, with blogathons, money is raised per hour spent blogging.

So please join her on the 9th/10th at www.24hrarmy.wordpress.com. You may sign up to sponsor her there by filling out the form provided.
I SPONSORED .50 per blog posting

my body

ack. just typing the title of this posting makes me uncomfortable.

Read a good post on Army of Angels: http://www.armyofangels.net/2008/12/get-allies-in-your-healing.html

It left me feeling vaguely unsettled and thinking, Do I haaaaaaaaave to? I don't have to do anything, but I'm thinking owning and taking care of my body is going to be a part of my healing.

blech.

I'm fairly disconnected from my body. I have pains most of the time and I pretty much just note it and move along.

How do I honor my body?
What does that mean?
I don't really want to know.
I guess.
Shouldn't I want to know? (who's asking that?)
I guess I do.
Ack.

I also watched the Blip video of Angela and friends doing "All the Single Ladies":
http://blip.tv/file/1606846 (danny, kimleigh, and angela)

I cannot ever imagine doing that.
Kimleigh seems to know her body. She seems in tune with it.

What does it mean to be aware of your body?
And, once you're aware, what the heck are you supposed to do with it?!??

oy

Army of Angels Conference Information!

http://www.eventbrite.com/event/223331992/emailinvite/?invite=OTMxNTIvZGlqb2U4MTY5OEBzd3ZhLm5ldC8x%0A

Here is the Agenda:

March 13, 20096:15pm Welcome Dinner – Showing of Video, Transition to Survivor
7:00pm Introductions of Angels/Activity
7:45pm “Angela Shelton Found Me”

Play written by Angela Shelton, directed by Dorothy Lemault, performed by “Angels”
*Discussion of play with snacks and refreshments to follow

March 14, 2009
9:00am-10:30am Angela Rose - Organizing Your Community - Grassroots Action to Shatter The Silence of Sexual Violence and building the national movement

Founder & Executive Director of PAVE: Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment, Angela Rose is a national leader in the movement to shatter the silence of sexual violence. After over a decade of battling the myths and ongoing incidents of sexual assault, Angela has become a valued educator in survivor empowerment and violence prevention. Through PAVE, Angela has trained fraternities and sororities in sexual assault prevention, produced a documentary entitled “Transition to Survivor,” and founded Men Opposing Sexual Assault, a group that highlights the importance of men in the anti-sexual assault movement. She staged a national protest regarding the silencing of sexual assault victims in court that was covered on CNN and the Today Show.

10:30am – 10:45am Break

10:45am – 12:00pm Meagan Poole *TBA
Meghan is a student at Murray State University and believes that everyone has the power to make a difference, and enjoys working alongside several amazing local and national organizations such as Security on Campus, Merryman House Domestic Crisis Center, and the Purchase Area Sexual Assault Center.

12:00pm – 1:00pm Catered Lunch

1:00pm – 2:15pm Wendy Murphy - Legal Issues/Sexual Assault/Advocacy
An ex-prosecutor who specialized in child abuse and sex crimes cases. The first lawyer in the country to run a program to provide free legal services to crime victims, Wendy has been fighting for victims' rights for twenty years. As an adjunct professor, she also manages the Sexual Violence Legal News and Judicial Language projects at her law school and consults with crime victims across the country to help them achieve justice. Wendy has worked as a legal analyst for CBS News, CNN, Fox News and MSNBC. She appears regularly on cable and network news programs to provide commentary on legal news stories. And Justice For Some is her first book.

2:15pm – 2:30pm Break

2:30pm – 4:15pm Healing/Inspiration Therapy *TBA

4:15pm - 4:30pm Break

4:30pm – 5:15pm Diann Diaz - Raising the Volume - Making it Loud and Clear!
In this presentation, Diann will prepare Team Leaders with the skills and knowledge of building awareness in each state. As we all know, there can never be enough education. If you are not a Team Leader, now is the time to sign up or join a team! Diann is known for her emergency advocacy in the hospitals and police stations for the victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. Diann is also called upon to speak at local colleges and universities regarding sexual assault. You will also find her at conferences across the state of Virginia speaking on topics such as, “Domestic Abuse Victims – Why Do they Stay” and “Protect and Serve…What it Can Also Mean”. Diann Diaz is a National Ambassador FoRe! Ending Domestic-Sexual abuse, survivor of childhood sexual assault, advocate for victims, educator in the community on violence prevention, and an upcoming author.

5:15 – 6:00 Catered Dinner

6:00 – 7:30 Kimleigh Smith - T.O.T.A.L.L.Y Performance & Discussion
kimleigh inspires audiences through her hilarious and honest story to embrace their inner superheroes and find the strength to move forward no matter what. Kimleigh beautifully portrays herself as a 17-year-old innocent virgin rushing back from cheerleading for the winning football team. She is convinced that she is going to get the quarterback as her boyfriend only to be gang raped by him and two of his friends. Kimleigh, like many rape survivors, suppresses the rage and heartbreak from the attack and goes back to “life as usual” only to be faced with her legs and genitals becoming paralyzed for years! Watch Kimleigh perform her powerful one hour theater piece, taking the audience through a journey that is totally uplifting, totally heartbreaking, and totally powerful. T.O.T.A.L.L.Y!

7:30 – 7:45 Break

7:45 – 9:15 Angela Shelton - Removing the Sword of Trauma
In this powerful presentation, Angela shares her concept of trauma being similar to being pierced with a sword. She takes you through the process of acknowledging it, removing it, and then using the sword in your life as a warrior instead of a victim.

Releasing my Joy

When I was 17, I was at a party at a friend's house. I was sitting on the piano bench next to someone playing and we were singing our hearts out ... Christmas songs. I loved to sing. I felt alive when I sang. For me, singing was from inside me and it was one of the few times I let my inside come out. I adored singing.

(side note... um I can't sing. tone deaf. tin ear. sinus/ear issues, so really, honestly, it was pretty bad)

I heard a comment to my left and looked up and one girl (she was blonde w/blue eyes... I remember the expression of disgust in her eyes) said "Why are you singing? It's horrible." (people can be so cruel) I kept moving my mouth, but no longer singing.

That was the last time I sang for joy. I'm 43 now.

My partner bought a karaoke machine. I find I can no longer sing. I am so repressed in it, I still cannot sing out loud... even sing in the privacy of my home. I hear that girl's voice and I see her eyes. I guess flashbacks come in many forms.

My partner loves to sing... gets so much pleasure out of it. Disappointed that I don't sing with her. (out! out! damn blue-eyed, blonde hairie meanie poo-poo head! be gone!)

It's Christmastime again. I want to sing carols. I want to sing about the birth, candy, grandma and the reindeers and hippopotomuses.

WAIT! I WANT to sing. Even if it's bad. I WANT to sing again. Not being able to sing doesn't take away the joy... the inside coming out. I have that power to let it out, to feel the joy again.

I'm an angel in this army against abuse. Angels sing!

Searching for my Joy this month:
I AM GOING TO SING. OUT LOUD. TO KARAOKE (um in the privacy of my home lol).
I AM GOING TO ENJOY MY PARTNER AND MYSELF.
I WANT MY INSIDE TO BE OUT.
THIS IS HOW I AM GOING TO HEAL.

INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT

inside

out

www.armyofangels.net

glimpsing the light again

ok, i see the light again
far away
but i see it

sigh

i'm glad