Releasing my Joy

When I was 17, I was at a party at a friend's house. I was sitting on the piano bench next to someone playing and we were singing our hearts out ... Christmas songs. I loved to sing. I felt alive when I sang. For me, singing was from inside me and it was one of the few times I let my inside come out. I adored singing.

(side note... um I can't sing. tone deaf. tin ear. sinus/ear issues, so really, honestly, it was pretty bad)

I heard a comment to my left and looked up and one girl (she was blonde w/blue eyes... I remember the expression of disgust in her eyes) said "Why are you singing? It's horrible." (people can be so cruel) I kept moving my mouth, but no longer singing.

That was the last time I sang for joy. I'm 43 now.

My partner bought a karaoke machine. I find I can no longer sing. I am so repressed in it, I still cannot sing out loud... even sing in the privacy of my home. I hear that girl's voice and I see her eyes. I guess flashbacks come in many forms.

My partner loves to sing... gets so much pleasure out of it. Disappointed that I don't sing with her. (out! out! damn blue-eyed, blonde hairie meanie poo-poo head! be gone!)

It's Christmastime again. I want to sing carols. I want to sing about the birth, candy, grandma and the reindeers and hippopotomuses.

WAIT! I WANT to sing. Even if it's bad. I WANT to sing again. Not being able to sing doesn't take away the joy... the inside coming out. I have that power to let it out, to feel the joy again.

I'm an angel in this army against abuse. Angels sing!

Searching for my Joy this month:
I AM GOING TO SING. OUT LOUD. TO KARAOKE (um in the privacy of my home lol).
I AM GOING TO ENJOY MY PARTNER AND MYSELF.
I WANT MY INSIDE TO BE OUT.
THIS IS HOW I AM GOING TO HEAL.

INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT INSIDE OUT

inside

out

www.armyofangels.net

glimpsing the light again

ok, i see the light again
far away
but i see it

sigh

i'm glad

this is a local Atlanta station's attempt at something big for our military people. if you think it's cool, pass it around.

The Bert Show's Big Thank You
Last year, Bert Show listeners collected over 350,000 handwritten thank you letters that were sent to every serviceman and servicewoman stationed outside the United States. This year we're going even bigger. The goal of The Bert Show's Big Thank You 2008 is to collect 1,051,200 unique messages by Thanksgiving Day! Each message will be posted on this site, and when we reach our goal, we will have enough messages to display a new flashing one on this site every thirty seconds ... for one entire year! Want to participate? Click on the link below...

www.bigthankyouproject.com

fighting the darkness

i'm struggling to break free of what happened. i realized yesterday that i'm depressed. recognizing is good though, so i can take steps to take care of me and do things that are affirming and yellow (rosie fans will understand this).

i see the promise with barak
i see the hate with prop 8
i see the anger with prop 8
i see people coming together to protest

i see hope
i see despair

i'm focusing on the despair
common survivor junk for me

just waiting on the day when my first reaction is to see the hope



on a side note, is it racist of me to want to just walk up to african americans and hug them?

Humor Loss or Heightened Awareness of Women's Issues

.....

NOTE: The following may be a trigger. Just a loving warning.



I just returned from a Vegas trip. Had fun, except for one thing:

I was at a "dueling piano" bar. Two guys took requests for money and played vegas versions of popular songs while the audience sang along. Are you asking how come that wasn't fun?

At one point they started doing guys against gals songs. Gals tipped $60 (collectively) and piano guy #1 sang excerpts from Dancing Queen, I will survive, etc. Ya know, chick songs. Gals sang and cheered, guys moaned and groaned. Still sounds fun, eh?

Piano guy #2 gets guys to donate $75. Starts off with joke: "Woman with two black eyes asked why her man hit her. Why? Because she didn't hear him after the first one." This was followed by three jokes 1) smacking around your woman to put her in her place; 2) what is a woman good for --insert nasty open leg comment--; and 3) stupid *itches need a punch to keep them in their place.

These were inserted between some pretty nasty bawdy rewords of common songs.

(author note: what i've put in here is in no way as bad as it got. some i can remember, some i can't, some i refuse to type and put into existence again).

Now I know I was in Vegas, and bawdy and sexual is the norm, however, while the nasty songs were being sung and the violent jokes were being thrown out there, the men were catcalling and hooting and clapping while the women got quieter and quieter. I looked around and the women were tense and bordering on angry, i think. Same for me. I kept waiting for it to stop.

The more nastier the comments and songs got, the louder all the men got (not all, but at least 90%). Women starting leaving.

Piano guy #1 picked up on the change in the bar, and he tried half-heartedly to bring the fun back. (he didn't try hard enough)

I argued with myself, have I lost my sense of humor? how bad could this get? should i stand up and say something?

hell, no! not with 90% of the men in the room hollering and laughing. All i kept thinking of was the scene from the Jodie Foster movie , The Accused.

We, along with others, got up and walked out.

Now, I was arguing with myself about sense of humor? Who am I kidding? Was not funny. Why was I arguing about how offensive this was. It was horrible, misoginystic (spelling?) and scary.

I kind of put it out of my mind for the rest of the evening, but was uneasy all night. Went to bed. Had nightmares. Kept waking up hearing men laughing and hollering in the that tone (you know what I mean!). Kept having flashes of #2 and men in the audience and how their faces looked. oh god, it was scary.

Woke up crying. I don't want to minimize anything about rape, but I felt emotionally raped. And I just sat there. I know it's my safety first. I know this. And i am angry at myself for not saying anything. I did say in my head that if he says one thing about rape, I am walking right up to him and slapping him. Let me tell you , I WAS READY TO AND I WOULD HAVE.

wow

I'm almost in tears now.

I guess someone above was taking care of me because #2 just kept doing violence against women jokes and did cross that lost red line (i am just a tad disappointed...is that wrong?)

I still cannot get it out of my head. I'm writing a letter or calling Harrah's. I haven't decided which. I am still trying to get this figured out in my head. I think emotional rape is pretty up there with physical rape (that hasn't happened to me, but I wonder). I guess physical rape is both: emotional and physical, so it's the worst.

Why am I trying to make mine seem less!!??! Why am I trying to explain it away???? Is this what we do...we women? Minimize? NO MORE! NO MORE! NO MORE! What happened happened. It is was it is. IT TOTALLY SUCKED AND I AM MAD AS HELL ABOUT IT!

If this means I have no sense of humor left about women jokes, then so be it.

I need a freakin bat and a chair! (be right back)

a fist and a pillow is good too! ;0)

Questions:
how many women in that bar had my reaction?
how many women knew it was wrong and didn't think anything of it?
how many women were scared?
how many women knew something felt wrong, but couldn't identify it?
how many women were angry?
how many women did nothing, said nothing, pushed it deep down?
how many women rationalized the behavior by saying "well, i'm in vegas?"

how long are we going to sit back and say nothing, do nothing, continue to be beaten down emotionally?

NO LONGER! NOT ME! DONE DONE DONE!

--stream of consciousness writing--

i am soooo angry right now. just pissed off. i can feel it in my chest. i thought this blogging would help get it out. well i guess it did. it's not deep down. it's definitely clearer. i wanted to punch every man that laughed. hard. so the violence i heard made me want to be violent. great. sigh. i don't know what to do with this. it's all twisted up and black and red and hurts.

madmadmad angerangeranger rageragerage fearfearfear painpainpain redredred violentcolorsswirlingroundandround laughingmalevoicesinmyhead hatehatehate hatefulelaughtercloggingmymemories notfairnotfairnot innerchildcrying hugherhugerhugher holdtight sayingiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou ilovemeilovemeiloveme breathingslowerfeelingarelease angela angels survivors womenstandingup bethechangeiwanttosee lovelovelove squish

Litany of Survival

In a Litany of Survival, Audre Lorde writes,

“When we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak remembering we were never meant to survive.”

BREAK YOUR SILENCE!
You survived! Think about it! Honor it!

Acknowledge your power!

I love you

Violence Against Women of Color

http://documentthesilence.wordpress.com/2008/10/17/be-bold-be-red-goes-viral-loco-visual/

want to see what evil looks like...
http://www.jumpcut.com/view?id=E44BFBCE67BF11DC9030000423CF037A
megan williams' attackers...scum...

Change begins with me

So my safe girls organization needs journals for the camp. Each girl gets one and they can take it home. So we found journals at home that were in great condition, unused (some even still in shrinkwrap), and I thought I can donate these! Then thought, I will send to my favorite ladies at work and just see.

Wow.

The response was better than I expected. Everyone thinks this is a wonderful thing. They are glad I am volunteering. This is such a good cause. They want to help.

So journals are on the way!

Safe girls is also in the beggining planning stages for Break the Silence month in April. I've asked if we can share with Report It Campaign. We'll see!

So I see how change happens.

Someone spoke.
I listened.
I spoke.
Others listened.
Those others spoke.
More others listened.

Voila! Grass roots.....

Cool.

therapy, a realization, and a celebration

therapy...

• Was doing NET in therapy the other day (I'm working on my food issues.. yech!).
• While trying to affirm that I am okay with eating to provide physical nourishment, I had a flashback.
• Sometimes (angela said this in her book) i hate therapy.

a realization...

• This was a tough one. I couldn't remember one of the abuser's names.
• One of them was not who I thought it was. (was just a different family member).
• This totally freaked me out. How could I not remember who it was and not knowing was terrifying and I mean terrifying. Had a panic attack. I am not sure why I thought I should've (there's that word again) known, but I did. Even writing this five days later, I remember the feeling of not knowing.

a realization...

• There was a lot more abuse than I thought.
• I remembered something I had forgotten for years. I had never told anyone about it (even my therapist after 4 years of therapy) and i don't think i ever talked in my head to myself about it. I cannot remember everything that happened in "the shed", but I remember it was bad and wrong (ack!).
• I can talk about it, but that's not what this entry is for. (okay, i just re-read this bulletpoint. how cool is this!?? casually, she says: i can talk about... hmm FABULOUS!)

a realization...

• even remembering more, that my abuse was the quiet, hush, don't tell, no pain, kind of abuse.
• I used to think this made my abuse not too bad. OY! I know better now.
• I had been abused most of my pre-teen life. whoa.
• i had never put anything together before this moment. from kindgarten through at least fifth grade, incident after incident. Some I had never identified as abuse at all.
• Now I know better.

a realization...

• Young me made it through all this. Now I've said before yeah, I'm strong, I was strong, I survived, but DAMN!
• My little kid was a FREAKIN A STRONG LITTLE CUSS! She still is. I've said it but never really truly recognized the greatness of it. Oh my gosh.
• And out of it, yes we have some issues, but by golly we (ME!) are strong and can laugh and love and care and be compassionate towards others.
• The capacity to still love is there. wow. i hope i remember to love every day.

a celebration...

• I WON I WON I WON !
• YAY FOR MY LITTLE KID. YAY FOR ME! I did it. We did it.
• They may have had my body for awhile, but i always had me.
• I protected me like a lioness protecting her cubs.
• I used whatever means i had so they couldn't get to "me".
• I never caved. they may have stormed the castle doors and there are dents and scratches, but the doors remained INTACT.
• hahahahahahhhahahahahahahaha **joyful laughter**

a celebration...

• i love you little child!
• thank you for getting through what you did.
• thank you for knowing to bar the doors.
• thank you for keeping a part of us behind those doors.
• thank you for realizing, and trusting, we can open those doors now.
• you are the strongest person i've ever known.
• i am so proud of you.
• i am here and ready to take care of you this time. take my hand and let's go!
• thank you thank you thank you that i can be who i am today. US! WE! I! ME!
  
  ***SQUISH***

(p.s. yes, little one, we can draw a picture for angela shelton to bring to nevada)

Gala and Winter Break Volunteer

I attended the GALA fundraiser for Camp CADI in September. It was fun, although I discovered I'm not a cocktail dress/wine tasting kind of gal. LOL I met some passionate people who really want to make a difference in the lives of these girls. I'm excited to be working with this organization.

Amy Barth is amazing. She is a no-nonsense, tell it like it is woman. She is so invested in the girls and really recognizes their value. I hope we raised a lot of money.

I've been invited to volunteer at the winter break Camp this year! Very exciting...umm and to be honest... absolutely terrifying. My old rotes kick back in... who am I to think I can help? whom am I to help someone heal when i'm still healing.. and on and on and on. I'm trying to break those with who am I NOT to help. What if someone had helped me 25 years ago. Would I still be struggling as much at 43? maybe.maybe not.

I just have to hold on to how to finding Angela helped me to dig in and figure out this healing stuff. If telling my story or painting a picture with a girl helps her to begin her healing or feel valued, then FEAR BE GONE! (or at least shoved aside).

Fear is a goddess inhibitor, isn't it? I will not be defeated. I just need to stay true to myself and be authentic. The rest will work itself out.

There will be another volunteer meeting for Safe Girls if anyone is interested. I'll post the info here when I get it.

http://www.safegirlsstronggirls.com/

Today, I DO feel like an angel

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/24/BASR133JSK.DTL

REPORT IT REPORT IT

When we report, people ask questions, write articles, think, take action!


CHANGE THOSE LAWS!
I wrote to my senators, personally and with honestly. WOOHOO!

Dear Diana:

Just minutes ago, Congress passed the PROTECT Our Children Act.
It was a long, hard campaign... one that started with committed PROTECT members like you and then grew to over half a million Americans after it was featured on the Oprah Winfrey show. Many Washington insiders said we would never win. We wanted you to be the first to know that we did!

As our campaign showed America, law enforcement now knows how to locate and stop hundreds of thousands of criminals who assault children and traffic in child pornography. But despite years of empty rhetoric from politicians, less than 2% of these cases are even being investigated. That begins to change today, with the passage of the PROTECT Our Children Act.

In the coming days, we'll share many of the details about this landmark bill and how it was passed. But we didn't want you to wait to hear this news. Please take time today to celebrate what we've accomplished together, because this never would have happened without you!
--The Staff and Volunteers at PROTECT

i don't feel like an angel today
or a
goddess
or a
thriver

i feel like a failure
and a
fake
and a
weak coward

i want

i want to feel good every day
i want to apply what i learn in therapy and grow
i want to believe the words i say inside (trying to change to positive thinking)

i want

... an EASY button
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

I can speak in front of people
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

I can be an advocate for others
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

I believe that it's good that I made it this far
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

I am smart and funny and people enjoy being around me
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

I love to eat turnips and squash and braggs
--wham--
THAT WAS EASY!

sigh... delete this or just end the entry
whatever