My Own Joy Police

Sometimes i'm my own joy police--at times, the joy senate.

I don't know anyone else who can tear me down faster than I can. My most proliferate guests (every new insult breeds another and another and they just multiply on and on) in my head are Mr. and Mrs. Rote. you're not good enough, no one likes you, you shouldn't be here, waste of space...STOP!

I'm tired of the visiting Rotes. I want the Joy Family and all their relatives to move in and clean out the "house." I want to hear you're a goddess, the world is so much better with you in it, you are kind and gentle, compassionate, fierce, a force to be reckoned, goddess of the universe!

I've invited them over a few times, more often in the recent months. I like them. When they're here and even when they leave, I feel happy and content and like I'm supposed to be here.

I think I'll invite them to move in permanently.

(teehee...just had a visual of the Joy's holding the Rotes by their collars and tossing them out unceremoniously!)

Positive Steps

I feel a little down today. When I get in these places, I ask myself, "What is better in my life since thinking, dreaming, talking, feeling, blogging, speaking about my story?"

A LOT, baby!

The fact that I'm typing this is a positive.
I am thinking about things I want to do for myself.
I am imagining that I can make a difference AND that maybe I WILL do something.
I am planning times to think about how my life is different, how I can make it different.
I am reaching out to others.
I feel a part of a group of women who are just wanting to make things better for other women.
How freakin' cool is that.?!?!
No sniping, no gossiping, just :

Hey, how are you?
What are you doing?
That's great!
You rock!
Go girl!
You can do it.
We're behind you.
What about this? What about that?
Hey, can you help?
Hey, can I help?
I'm going to empower you to be a leader.
Your FABULOUS! BEAUTIFUL! POWERFUL! A GODDESS!

I feel alive.
It's ok to share.
I can cry and I will stop.
I can be angry and I can stop being angry. It wont' last forever.
I feel hopeful.
I can affect change.

I AM ME and I AM OK and I AM BETTER THANK OK.

(rubbing hands together) Where to start...where to start...

(SMILING)

Another Part

part one is here: http://isurvivedintact.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-remember.html

My story is sounds and shadows

Breaths, sighs, moans
quiet, secretive

A figure watching in the dark
above my bed, in the corner, in the doorway

No physical pain
just an internal folding in
constant and necessary and silent

I became four
--angry
--hopeless
--sadness
--wee one

Each part needed for survival
each part allowed me to keep the whole
separate but united in one cause
keep us safe

*i have to stop here for now*

Blog Your Sword Out

(copied from the Georgia Group..thought it beared **is that the right word???** repeating)

Angela recently had a teleconference where she shared that we should all create a blog to tell our stories. I actually started mine about 8 months ago after watching one of her videos about telling your story any way you can.

What I found is that telling the story is, of course, hard at first, but it gets easy and amazingly, the pain and terror goes away after awhile. This TOTALLY amazed me and still does.

I have not told my whole story, yet. I started with one portion because that is what I was able to share at the time. For me, I go slowly and take time. I'm working (in my head) on the next part. I struggle because I have trouble recalling my childhood. Some things are crystal clear and others are murky. I do know what happened to me, but putting it into words or images is what I struggle with.

However, now that I've got the ball rolling, it's coming along nicely, in my opinion.

So, start a blog. Go to http://www.blogspot.com/ and create one. Just anything. Try not to get caught up in anything fancy. If, right now, telling your story is one sentence, then DO IT! A start is a start. Many times the first words are the hardest.

One other thing Angela shared is that we should stop comparing ourselves to others. I am notorious for doing that. "Oh, she writes better than me." "I can't do that." "She's special."

Well, I can do anything. I write just fine, and there is no one, NO ONE, else who can tell my story better than me!

WRITE WRITE WRITE

Rape? or just close your legs....

This totally made me angry. While it may be true that women need to be more aware and take more responsibility for themselves, I truly feel that most of us don't truly understand what sexual assault is.

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/sunday/commentary/la-op-mac_donal...

Case in point: I wanted to report something on the Report It! site before I sent it out to others (from my childhood). I wanted to see what it was and do it for myself. What I realized in reporting my one thing is that I had three other incidents. I read all of the choices that were on the page and thought, "THAT is sexual assault?!" I asked my partner about two other things that had happened, and she said, "Well, yeah. That is definitely sexual assault!"

I came up with one more thing -- a total of four incidents I reported. I had to stop at that point from sheer amazement and horror at what I didn't know had happened to me. (If you've read my blog...again, it wasn't that bad....it was that bad.)

As women we often hear we are overreacting.. no wonder so many things are unreported. It's not just fear or shame....it's that many of us don't even realize we've been assaulted. (I tried to find a word to fit what I was thinking, but my mind just blinked).

homework and angels?

Angela said to create a blog. tell our story.

i don't think she realized she already "asked" me months ago
during one of her videos.

something she said..seemed right to me

it seemed like the right time
like someone who knew what I'd been through was saying
yes, do it, why not, you should, it's helpful, it's okay

it's okay
how i've longed to hear it's okay
i've just now come to realize that "I" can say it's okay
and
.....it's okay

So, I have a "poem" I wrote about a minute piece of my story
way at the beginning of this blog

i wrote it
it was raw
painful

i believe it was my sword being removed

i re-read it
it was raw
but a little less painful

i re-read it
i was tender
i felt just a little pain

it was okay
i was okay
i am okay

i printed it
read it to my therapist
finally mailed it to angela

it no longer solely resides in me
it is out there in the world
i am no longer solely inside of me
i am out there in the world

i am okay

...and...i may be an angel

it's on its way

more of my story is on its way

i struggle to remember my youth

i shut it out for so long
i was a ghost child
here, but not present

i will remember more and i will be okay

men at work

Realized something the other day.
I normally manage women.
I have a new male worker.
I am not comfortable w/him and I don't care to get to know him.
--blink--
something new to work on, I suppose

My idea of a satisfying work experience is NOT to sit
in a small cube with a male.

to be effective, I'll have to...
darn it LOL

I suppose I'm not being fair to the regular, normal, non creeps out there

Ok, I'll try.
Will have to find a way to make it acceptable in my head.
Like I've done with so many things...this is actually good, but I don't
feel like explaining at the moment. It's a positive way
I have to do things that I have to do that I don't want to do
but that need to be done AT WORK.

blech.. sigh... deep breath... thinking...

EUREKA!

i did it i did it!!!!!

I have successfully added Angela Shelton's Blog widget to the right.

I am PRINCESS OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the dichotomy of me

Here I am... I manage 5 people and run an operations dept. I track multiple projects and services, handle client issues, and use 20 gazillion programs effectively.

Here i am... trying to navigate Google Groups for Angela Shelton's Campaign, trying to update his blog to add widgets and headers... AND I'M TOTALLY LOST!

OY

I did it!

I just yesterday finally had the courage to mail my handprint masterpiece. I added the following to the bottom:

"I am an Angela Shelton...www.angelashelton.com"

whoa

very liberating, but OY VEY, I had a moment of panic and felt extremely exposed and vulnerable to the universe. and all was okay. i didn't disappear, no one laughed, the "committee" was quiet and i felt better

whoa

....i did a joy jig in my head... progress!

months later

seems i make headway, then read my own blog and freak out a bit

so for now i'm back and gonna try again

i've been reading the Angela Shelton blog: http://bigmouthshelton.blogspot.com/

somehow she helps it seem ok to be vocal
i've tried many of the things she's said
that's how i was able to write the poem

She had this on this week's post
A monument is being built to survivors of abuse. (http://www.irvingstudios.com/reaching_out_america/roa_index.htm)

The monument is huge standing ten feet tall by thirty feet wide and is covered in the bronze handprints of survivors. On the inside of the monument there is room for one million handprints! So trace the outline of your hand and send it to Reaching Out America! On or around the hand then write a message of how you want the world to be for kids or a message of how you feel about abuse.

Then mail it to:
Reaching Out America
37 Bay Park Terrace
Alameda, California
94502

I did it. Somehow, it was one of the most therapeutic things I've done
It's so simple. Sometimes simple is best.
i no longer feel alone...i am part of a community
maybe one i'd rather not have been in
but since i am
i've realized i couldn't be prouder to be associated with survivors
we are awesome people