therapy, a realization, and a celebration

therapy...

• Was doing NET in therapy the other day (I'm working on my food issues.. yech!).
• While trying to affirm that I am okay with eating to provide physical nourishment, I had a flashback.
• Sometimes (angela said this in her book) i hate therapy.

a realization...

• This was a tough one. I couldn't remember one of the abuser's names.
• One of them was not who I thought it was. (was just a different family member).
• This totally freaked me out. How could I not remember who it was and not knowing was terrifying and I mean terrifying. Had a panic attack. I am not sure why I thought I should've (there's that word again) known, but I did. Even writing this five days later, I remember the feeling of not knowing.

a realization...

• There was a lot more abuse than I thought.
• I remembered something I had forgotten for years. I had never told anyone about it (even my therapist after 4 years of therapy) and i don't think i ever talked in my head to myself about it. I cannot remember everything that happened in "the shed", but I remember it was bad and wrong (ack!).
• I can talk about it, but that's not what this entry is for. (okay, i just re-read this bulletpoint. how cool is this!?? casually, she says: i can talk about... hmm FABULOUS!)

a realization...

• even remembering more, that my abuse was the quiet, hush, don't tell, no pain, kind of abuse.
• I used to think this made my abuse not too bad. OY! I know better now.
• I had been abused most of my pre-teen life. whoa.
• i had never put anything together before this moment. from kindgarten through at least fifth grade, incident after incident. Some I had never identified as abuse at all.
• Now I know better.

a realization...

• Young me made it through all this. Now I've said before yeah, I'm strong, I was strong, I survived, but DAMN!
• My little kid was a FREAKIN A STRONG LITTLE CUSS! She still is. I've said it but never really truly recognized the greatness of it. Oh my gosh.
• And out of it, yes we have some issues, but by golly we (ME!) are strong and can laugh and love and care and be compassionate towards others.
• The capacity to still love is there. wow. i hope i remember to love every day.

a celebration...

• I WON I WON I WON !
• YAY FOR MY LITTLE KID. YAY FOR ME! I did it. We did it.
• They may have had my body for awhile, but i always had me.
• I protected me like a lioness protecting her cubs.
• I used whatever means i had so they couldn't get to "me".
• I never caved. they may have stormed the castle doors and there are dents and scratches, but the doors remained INTACT.
• hahahahahahhhahahahahahahaha **joyful laughter**

a celebration...

• i love you little child!
• thank you for getting through what you did.
• thank you for knowing to bar the doors.
• thank you for keeping a part of us behind those doors.
• thank you for realizing, and trusting, we can open those doors now.
• you are the strongest person i've ever known.
• i am so proud of you.
• i am here and ready to take care of you this time. take my hand and let's go!
• thank you thank you thank you that i can be who i am today. US! WE! I! ME!
  
  ***SQUISH***

(p.s. yes, little one, we can draw a picture for angela shelton to bring to nevada)