More Good Things

I received an email to a volunteer organization that I've been waiting for and I'm going to go.

Someone told me I was too pretty to pick. I actually believed it and stopped for a whole day.

I received a lovely digital photo frame and decided that at least 25% of the pictures would be of me.

(this is huge. there are few pics of me in the world. i'm sure most of you would understand)

I've decided if I'm going to be in the world that I'm going to BE in it. I was struggling with "seeing" myself. So the frame is at my work and I see pics of me all day long.

Me at my best , worst, thinnest, fattest, sweatiest, and smilingest! It is slightly surreal to look at myself. It's like getting used to a stranger. I'm not judging just "seeing."

It's like umm reintroducing myself to.... myself. (it makes sense to me)

I look like i look and it's me. I'm enough. I'm here. I exist.

F'in cool....

Healing Through Creativity -- maybe

http://www.healingthroughcreativity.org/.
**from Joanna's blog: http://jdoane.blogspot.com/"

I want to send something. I want to send my I Remember "poem".
I wonder if anyone will read it?
Would I read it?
Yup
Do I send it? Am I supposed to? Why not?
Thoughts are bouncing around like mad.
Interesting.

I want to send something that is beautiful and poignant and powerful and, most importantly, uplifting.

It has to be....... SOMETHING.....

Maybe I need to add a bit on the end.
Maybe I need to do an additional poem.
Maybe ... maybe... maybe...

Sigh...

Hmmm the fact that I am even considering something is pretty darn cool.
I have a while to think about it.

Maybe I'll create a presentation of writings
Maybe...

Maybe a board of here is what I did before (listing all the destructive things)
then maybe some things i'm working on giving up
then maybe the things I've given up
and then the things I'm doing now (report it, army of angels, speaking out, writing, blogging, photography, art, activism)

(wow. "I" think that's cool! lol)

wonder if anyone else would....

maybe

Return to the Scene of the Emancipation

I'm on vacation this week and I went to the library
and got four books
(from Rosie's book list..thought I'd try them)

On the way home, I passed by Marietta Square
where I did the one-woman Report It Demonstration

I parked, grabbed a book, and got out and walked around the Square
I stopped by the ice cream shop and bought
a frozen pink lemonade ... yummy!
I walked by the spot where I stood and shook my world
and thought...
This is where IT HAPPENED!

I smiled inside and I smiled outside.

I went and sat down by a bench and drank in the sun and
beautiful weather and my frozen concoction
and began reading, "Can't Wait to Get to Heaven" by Fannie Flagg
(she is so funny)

I was there for about an hour
I was in the world
I didn't worry
I didn't obsess about who was watching me or walking by

I just read and sipped and breathed and existed

grin

Bright Days and Gray Days

you know how when you are in a movie theater and when you come out and it's sunny, the sun is so bright it hurts your eyes and you cover them immediately?

this is how life after removing the sword of trauma and trying to live can feel

Some days i see bright blues and yellows and feel like i can take on the world and it feels good

and other days... sigh...

i take a step and the "brightness" of living hits me smack dab in the eyes
my first inclination is to throw up my hands
WHOA! STOP! Ouch! Too Much!

i used to have blinders on, never seeing beyond the fact that i was abused
now the blinders are removed...gone for good
(they don't sorta go away; once you remove them, byebye)

it used to be so much easier when I could pull out the blinders and put them on
to sit and eat or whatever and hide
i can't find them now, but i still struggle with wanting them back

every so often I get stuck in the grayness between victim and thriver
i think i'm there right now
which is why i am blogging about it
often blogging helps me move on
we'll see

deep breath
squaring of shoulders
i am NOT defined by my abuse
gray is just another color
don't judge it
just let it be
acknowledge it
let it go
move on
and know that bright days are just around the corner
and worth experiencing a little gray for