So, I finished my first painting today.
One day I'm sure I'll appreciate my work.
For right now, I struggle to not criticize the hell out of it.
At least today I was able to embrace "there are no mistakes."
A painting is a painting is a painting and what I create is perfect.
(I'll just keep telling myself that -- over and over.)

My paint class goals:

how to use each brush
how to mix paint colors
how to get different consistencies/textures from my paint
how to start a painting
how to reach inside of me to find what needs to be painted
how to know when a painting is done


and in the end, I hope to find a bit more of myself amidst all the colors and canvas

Stay Gold

"Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay."

Robert Frost


I want gold to stay.
Believing that gold goes away is the saddest thing.
Surely some gold stays, doesn't it?
What would be the point of being here?
So while the poem is thought-provoking and lovely -- it's only words.
We need to make our own gold stay -- at least as much as we can.

Be your own gold.

joy joy where is my joy
is it at mcdonalds
is it at JC Penny or Lane Bryant
is it within the chocolate bar
the smell of the acrylic paints - is it there

joy joy how do i identify you
for so long i was passive and said, whatever you want
and i was ok 90% of the time
whatever, eh, sure fine

now that i'm wanting my joy
i'm battling the passivity and the absolute utter
lack of regard for what i want

what do I want
the answer to that is where my joy lies
paint, food, sun, company
WHAT!?!!

joy joy wherefore art thou?

paint/emotion palletes

black red yellow orange blue purple green
colors
waiting to come out
nothing does
they're there shouting
i put paint on the palette
and nothing looks like my colors
mixing adding scraping
no

how do you get out of you
what you can't get out
i feel the colors and i can't see them
create them
paint them

akin it to this
anger rage joy happiness love engagement
waiting to come out
sometimes only anger does

they're there shouting
the emotion pallete is blank
stirring introspecting forcing
no

how do you get out of you
what you cant get out
i perceive the emotions are there and I can't feel them
embody them
express them

perhaps it's time for vision bear -- crud

complete

i think i merged with my inner survivor the other day. was talking in therapy and my therapist said something (i can't remember what now), and I felt my inner survivor leaving (she said something that hit my inner core of truth), but then felt her gently snap back (i know this sounds odd).

i felt her, waiting, testing, cautious, but willing to stick round. it was almost indescribable. i felt like she saw the therapist for the first time. felt like i was looking out with a complete self. it was ... unfamiliar, sensitive, interesting, honoring, surprising, and just downright odd.

walked outside and went to get in car and saw "me" in the car window. just sat there a looked at ME for some time. wow.

i feel like she's ready to move on and help me figure out how to continue to heal and live a whole life.

none of these words is close to what happened, but it's all i got at the moment.

i
feel
whole
new
calm

hm

i dont...

want to blog about food
which is why i'm not blogging
sigh

must find other things to take the place of food

title

i realized i spend more time thinking of titles so,,,,I'm just putting title in the title. ;-)

Life has been very busy with all the events I'm working on, which is why posting is sparse.

Yesterday, 4/11, I was at our ChalkFest for Safe Girls. We were out at Centennial Park trying to raise funds. I was speaking to people about surviving and abuse and approaching strangers. I realized toward the end that it is really draining to do this for any length of time. While i'm ok with speaking about it and sharing, I just had no idea how much emotional eneregy it took.

Just typing this, my brain is like, pause! pause! still recharging!....

Anyway, I can appreciate Angela's journey more now than I could two days ago. Wow.

On a positive note: I got to meet an awesome 20 year old who went to the abuse camp I'm supporting. 20 years old, a survivor, and out there in the world talking about it! Yes!(At 20, I was drinking and well other things.)

I also met woman after woman who said, "I'm a survivor too." Said in just a matter of fact way. I just smiled. It was a connection. Yes!


I met a few guys who were just as passionate about the need to help and speak up. One guy was so excited about the camp, he told his daughter who is in college to "get together with all your groups and stuff" and "you need to help this camp." "This stuff is even where we live and people need help." I was blown away. He gave the daughter all the documentation. Yes!


I thought later that I should have said something to him that HE needs to help too. That HE should get out there and help other people. SNAP need to remember this for next time.

I saw teenage girls hang back, but pay absolute attention when some of us were talking. To me, they were shy but were listening intently. Yes!

I saw pre-teens very curious and open. Listening. Engaged. Yes!

I saw myself out there in the world. Speaking up. Breaking the Silence. Being the change I wanted to see. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I've become the person I blogged about. I'm becoming an Angela Shelton. YES!

conference musings

i just spent the weekend with an awesome group of women.

1) angela shelton is just angela shelton
2) ali's voice is even better in person
3) kimleigh is amazing and funny and can dance the socks off anyone out there
4) i totally made an ass of myself in front of dee wallace (maybe I'll explain later)
5) angela rose's smile lights up the room

being with a group of women was simply amazing
i've never experienced any like it
women should come together to celebrate more
i danced and felt my body--for the first time in ... a long time
i danced in a bar
i felt a part of a larger purpose

i'm overwhelmed at my feelings at the moment
will try to get them down after further thought

may you believe you are beautiful and powerful and wonderful in every sense...

di

here we go....

wow. i'm just a busy bee from now until end of april.

army of angels conference Friday (omg friday...gulp)
i'm sure it will be fun
i'm just never comfortable in a group situation
especially a group of women
i can only be me, though

who am I? i'm me! strong warrior angel!
just keep saying just keep saying it
big breath
here we go....

april events for breaking the silence month
all month long
what if i do something wrong
what if one doesn't go well
it's ok it's ok
what we're doing is GOOD GOOD STUFF
if one person is empowered to break their silence
it's worth all the time and effort and yes, even self doubt
big breath
here we go....

just being

do you ever wanna just be?
just sit there and be

no expectations
from others or from yourself

no recriminations
from others or from yourself

it's easy and insidious and well easy

can't really live life if you just be

what do i mean by be...

not relaxing in your presence and being in the moment

nope

more like...

just sitting
staring
not thinking
vegging
nothing hard
nothing wanted
no opinions
no fighting
just blah

i wonder if this is a survivor issue

just wondering

random thoughts

i'm struggling with some personal issues. just saying.

working on april events

being asked to go above and beyond the cosmos for work

eating eating eating and waiting to stop and realize i'm waiting for myself

i'm a little angry that food isn't working as it did and that i'm still eating.

if i'm going to eat, i want the satisfaction (stomping feet) or at least the fog.

how to i free the one thing i hid and protected all those years ago

do i want to. no. do i need to. i think so

terror OY VEY deep breath

this part of me, the kernel i call it, is so protected that i can't even access it at the moment. it's the me that looked down from the ceiling, the me that was before the silence, the me that is me that i refused to let anyone have, ruin, destroy

it is what i am and i'm still not going to let anyone tarnish or corrupt it

how do i protect all that i am and still share who i am with myself and others

i hope i find the answer while there's time left to reap the benefits

mineminemine
protect fists up
fierce growl determination unmovable
folding in wrapping up in silence anger fear self preservation
protection like fort knox with a treasure more precious than anything on this earth

mine me I

crossroads , part 2

i'm really good at the words. i know what they should be.

it's a lot harder to move the words into action.

why??????????????????????????/

i'm still afraid. not sure why. too deep at this time. sigh

i just want to eat. but now, eating isn't giving me what it did before. i have to be honest: this SUCKS BIG ARTICHOKE HEARTS blech.

so i'm left with me. i'm still eating, still doing the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

it's kind of crazy, ya know? eating M&Ms and expecting my problems to be solved. That would be quite a powerful little red piece of candy now wouldn't it....

but i WAAAAAAANT it to work. i like it, it tastes good, and it's easy. i would so be fat for the rest of my life if eating candy and pizza worked. alas,,,,

my block, i think, for changing basic "me" is that i'm afraid, chicken! BOK! BOK! i'm afraid to start because I'll fail. fear. i'm afraid to take on things, because what if i mess up. fear. argh!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just want the pizza to work. i really do. sigh. i know it can't, but WHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?! ---that's my inner child talking

i'm about to attempt something huge
if i'm honest, i don't think i can do it
i don't see anything in my history that says i can do this and maintain it
yes, i'm afraid
but what i'm doing now is not working and i do want "me" to work

oy

i'm afraid. owning it. trying to stay afloat in the washes of fear that roll over me at various times throughout the day. ever try to swim in your fear? i'm sure i'm not the only one. it's murky, cold, solitary, deep, black-hole-ish, icky poo poo

"me" says RUN HIDE DON'T DO IT ALL WILL BE LOST NEVER TO GET BACK RUN CURL INTO BALL JUST LET WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPEN

blowing through thumbs to make hands big, grabbing "me" and gently pushing it back down, while trying to communicate love and caring, but strength and "this is the way it's got to be so get on board" thoughts