i remember

I remember
hearing the breath
being pressed into the mattress
no words
just hot breath on my cheek
trying to be still
it was horrible
i screamed in my head
HELP ME ... STOP THIS
i didn't know what to do
i laid there
don't move
pretend to be asleep
the movement started
flying to the ceiling
splitting off and talking myself through what was happening
it wasn't that bad it wasn't that bad it wasn't that bad
shhhhhhh
i remember warm wet stuff
a wipe
an adjustment
the weight leaving
feeling colder than i've ever felt before or since
no thoughts
no presence
no body
no mind
blink
nothing

I remember
the next day breakfast was on the table
my family was eating cereal
i went to school
i went to classes
ate lunch
joked with my friends
they didn't notice anything
maybe nothing bad happened
came home
he was there
saying hey
i said hey
i had to sit in the house with him
eat dinner
watch t.v. with him
play cards with him
day after day

I remember
nothing changed
everything changed

I remember
wondering why nobody noticed
how could they notice when i didn't show it
i did show it
i became closed angry quiet unsmiling untouchable distrustful apathetic
i was told i was being mean
not nice
a baby

I remember
not wanting people to touch me
touching hurt and it hurt big time

I remember
other incidents in the bathroom
i hated the bathroom (and still do to this day)
being in the shower and realizing someone else was in the room
hearing sounds
breaths
moans
funny noises
i didn't move
i didn't breath
silence always silence
again, no pain
it wasn't that bad

I remember
waking up many nights with someone standing over my bed
sometimes something happened
sometimes nothing happened (i still wake up in the night and see them standing there)
always ... always silence
always no pain
it wasn't that bad

I remember
i started to believe it was me
i cut
i smoked
i drank
i ate
i thought it was my fault
what was wrong with me
what did i do
why didn't anyone notice
why didn't anyone help
maybe i don't deserve help
it wasn't that bad

I remember
a friend telling me one morning after another incident that we lived in "fucking white utopia" and that nothing bad ever happened in our neighborhood
thinking if nothing bad happened, then what happened to me must not be all that bad
my mind thought that
my body and soul didn't agree
it was that bad

I remember
comparing my situation to everything else i heard
rapes, mutilations, rituals, beatings, pain
that didn't happen to me
must not have been that bad
"fucking utopia" right?
no, no, no, it was that bad

I remember
as i got older
i thought if a guy wanted sex i had to have sex
it wasn't a thought not to
it just was
i didn't like it or dislike it

I remember
the first time i realized i didn't have to
thought i was going to faint
felt a thousand prickles of light on my skin
didn't have sex for 10 years
what a relief

I remember
i never told a soul until i was about 20
it was one statement to a casual friend
the look of horror
the comment of wow
the silence

I remember
i became the silence
i rationalized not saying anything again in every way possible
i didn't want to cause problems in the family
didn't want to cause another to remember her abuse if she didn't (she must have; maybe if I spoke, I could've helped her )
didn't want to be rejected or not believed
so i honored others and ignored myself
i ate more so it wasn't that bad
but it was that bad

I remember
i never said another word
until i was about around 30
a friend who said "I thought so" and nothing else (at least i can't remember any words--were there any?)
again silence, but i think i was the silence this time

I remember
after making myself remember more and more
talking to therapists
hearing that is WAS that bad
bad for me
that this wasn't something that could be compared

I remember
that i finally mentioned it to my mom around 37
her anger toward the perpetrator
her response that she was abused too as a child
her anguished response "Why didn't you tell me?"
my recoil from the question
the three responses in my head
1) why didn't you know -- you were the adult
2) wow, she believed me
3) silence

I remember
feeling guilty for not speaking up sooner
feeling guilty for thinking my life was bad
feeling crazy because i couldn't reconcile knowing something happened with all the messages that all was right in the world
if all was right, why did i feel wrong

I remember
the anger
rage
blackness
hatred
it consumed me
everything i experienced was filtered through it
poison

I remember
i still laughed
i loved to play with kids
they didn't want anything
they certainly weren't silent
i still loved to play
it was heaven to play and pretend and be silly even if the adults made fun of me
i would just whisper "they just don't know how to play"
and giggling

I remember
the day my therapist told me it WAS that bad and it wasn't my fault AND i actually believed her
i remember the pain white-hot-blistering-thought-i-was-going-to-break-into-pieces pain
the tears, torrential, pouring out of me for the years, the child, the pain, the act, the regrets
over and over i said it was that bad it was that bad it was that bad
feeling a release or relief to finally and unequivocably say it WAS that bad
when i was done, not wanting to look at my therapist in the face
she gently said look at me...i couldn't
she gently said look at me...i tried
she sat quietly and i finally looked at her (it was hard!)
she smiled the sweetest smile that i never saw when i shared with others what happened
something broke inside, something that needed to break, something that somehow let me feel okay that i acknowledged what had happened and what it did to me
thinking i am going to be okay