So, I finished my first painting today.
One day I'm sure I'll appreciate my work.
For right now, I struggle to not criticize the hell out of it.
At least today I was able to embrace "there are no mistakes."
A painting is a painting is a painting and what I create is perfect.
(I'll just keep telling myself that -- over and over.)

My paint class goals:

how to use each brush
how to mix paint colors
how to get different consistencies/textures from my paint
how to start a painting
how to reach inside of me to find what needs to be painted
how to know when a painting is done


and in the end, I hope to find a bit more of myself amidst all the colors and canvas

Stay Gold

"Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay."

Robert Frost


I want gold to stay.
Believing that gold goes away is the saddest thing.
Surely some gold stays, doesn't it?
What would be the point of being here?
So while the poem is thought-provoking and lovely -- it's only words.
We need to make our own gold stay -- at least as much as we can.

Be your own gold.

joy joy where is my joy
is it at mcdonalds
is it at JC Penny or Lane Bryant
is it within the chocolate bar
the smell of the acrylic paints - is it there

joy joy how do i identify you
for so long i was passive and said, whatever you want
and i was ok 90% of the time
whatever, eh, sure fine

now that i'm wanting my joy
i'm battling the passivity and the absolute utter
lack of regard for what i want

what do I want
the answer to that is where my joy lies
paint, food, sun, company
WHAT!?!!

joy joy wherefore art thou?

paint/emotion palletes

black red yellow orange blue purple green
colors
waiting to come out
nothing does
they're there shouting
i put paint on the palette
and nothing looks like my colors
mixing adding scraping
no

how do you get out of you
what you can't get out
i feel the colors and i can't see them
create them
paint them

akin it to this
anger rage joy happiness love engagement
waiting to come out
sometimes only anger does

they're there shouting
the emotion pallete is blank
stirring introspecting forcing
no

how do you get out of you
what you cant get out
i perceive the emotions are there and I can't feel them
embody them
express them

perhaps it's time for vision bear -- crud